Kabanata VI
Montesino
I hugged myself tighter, hoping to keep myself warm against the cold of the night. Mas lalong malamig dahil higit sa dalawampung palapag ang condo ko. The first time I went here, it felt like I was closer to the sky. Closer to God. It was relieving to watch the bustling city below me while reaching for the stars, and since then, this became a habit of mine.
May mga pagkakataong tahimik ang gabi ko kaya siguro dinadalaw ng nakaraan na parang kahapon lang.
The vast golden fields and the mountain ranges transformed back into its original shape – the busy metro and the imposing skyscrapers. Noon pa man ay talento ko na talaga ang ipinta ang mga kung ano na naiisip. Sa kisame ng dating kwarto ko, sa kalangitan. Hindi naman naiiba sa akin ang gabing ito dahil hinahayaan ko rin ang sarili na...bumalik.
There were no regrets when I left Victoria. No surprises. And while I did not aim for the jet-setting life, this simple, carefree one was enough for me. Ang tawirin ang ilang karagatan, hindi man lahat. Ang makita ang iba't-ibang parte ng mundo.
Under different circumstances, I could've done more to my heart's content, but it was safe to say now that I could pat the back of my younger self and tell her... You will be fine. Everything is going to be fine. We both follow the same lifetime and while you didn't have any friends at school, you will have Sel today. Kung bawal man ang maraming bagay noon, ngayon ay pwedeng pwede na.
Umihip muli ang mabagsik na hangin ng hatinggabi. The way it slammed on my cheeks short lived my inner, happy musings and instead became a reminder. Malakas ang kutob ko na iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako makatulog.
Humawak ako sa railings at dinama ang lamig. Hinayaan kong sumabog ang aking buhok laban sa nadedeliryong hangin. In my red, silk nightdress, I became one with the night hoping the guilt would go away, but in the many times I did, a guiltless night never came.
For some time, I made myself believe that I was following the rightful, untainted path because it was more peaceful. Iyon naman talaga ang gusto ko una pa lang. Huli na nang napagtanto kong wala pala akong ibang inisip kung hindi ang pansariling kapakanan kaya maraming nadamay, maraming nasira...para lang marating ko ang kapayapaang ito na buong buhay kong inasam.
But then again, life was just that. Things costing other important things. Making you lose one thing after the other. And then...after all that...you can only look back and weigh where you went wrong. I told myself these things to appease the guilt, that this was just how life revolves. Minsan ay tinatanggap ko, gaya ngayon.
At the age of twenty-one, I had that blinding, sickening love so swift and pure. It haunted my most of my nights like a demon sensing loneliness and despair and using that as the connection. Not once did I ever try to stop the Devil from collecting. I paid for it every single time.
Because I was wrong, plain-stupid...
Guilty.
Paulit-ulit akong binabalikan ng mga maling desisyon ko noon. Pero sa miminsang mga pagkakataong tulad ngayon, kapag sobrang tahimik na ng lahat, hinahayaan ko rin na balikan ang magagandang parte, hindi man tama. I welcomed it wholeheartedly without the fear of justice seeking me.
I accepted it. Sa tuwing ako ay nag-iisa. Sa tuwing...hindi ko sinisisi ang sarili ko. Tinatanggap ko...na minsan ko rin siyang minahal.
Kaya pumikit akong mariin upang hindi tuluyang magyelo ang mga mata sa lamig ng gabi. At sa muling pagbukas nito, sumalubong sa akin ang isang mainit na umaga sa eskwelahan.
