Living a Lie

Prologue

With every sweet gesture, late-night talk, love song, sunset, and those empty assurances, I was silently hoping that she'd stay and keep me by her side. But deep down, I know it wouldn't last.

Our story began with intense passion and a connection that felt unbreakable. We laughed, cried, and shared our dreams and fears. In those moments, it seemed like we were invincible, like nothing could tear us apart.

But as time went on, cracks started to appear. The sweet gestures became less frequent, our talks grew quieter, and the love songs lost their meaning. The once vibrant sunsets now seemed dull and lifeless.

Whenever I try to divert my attention to something else, I always find myself thinking about her again. It's been, what, 2 years? Damn, and here I am, willing to accept her completely if she comes back. I don't even know why, but I guess I just love her that much.

As I sat alone in my thoughts, contemplating the depth of my feelings, memories of our time together flooded my mind. It had been two long years since we last saw each other, yet the love I had for her remained steadfast.

I couldn't help but wonder what had brought on this surge of emotions. Was it the nostalgia of the past, the longing for what once was? Or was it the realization that she had left an indelible mark on my heart, a mark that no amount of time could erase?

In those two years, I had tried to move on, to find happiness in other aspects of my life. But no matter how hard I tried, thoughts of her would always find their way back, reminding me of the love we once shared.

Call it katangahan or whatsoever. I don't care. Bakit, never ba kayong naging tanga sa pag-ibig? kung oo, paano? I need help kasi.

I know that waiting is futile at this point. But I can't bring myself to let go, perhaps because of the promise she made that I still hold onto until now.

Nakailang shot na ba ako ng tequila? I've lost count, but why hasn't the pain gone away? Usually, after a few shots, it eases at least a bit. Pero right now, yung sakit parang kahapon lang nangyari yung ginawa niyang pag-iwan sa'kin. Expired na ata 'tong tequila, hindi na siya effective as it used to be in the past months. I had hoped that few shots of tequila would dull the pain, but it seemed that even the alcohol couldn't provide the solace I sought.

I felt a single tear escape from my left eye. Is it possible, even after all this time, for the pain to still linger? Maybe it's because she left without a word, technically, we never officially broke up. That's why I still hold onto a glimmer of hope that she might return. Or perhaps it's because of what I'm watching right now, witnessing the news happily announce her engagement. Congratulations, I guess.

Ano ba namang mga luha na 'to, traydor. I just said yesterday that I will never cry because of her, yet here I am again, sniffing while holding an empty shot glass. Gusto ko nga sana ibato, eh parang yung sa mga pelikula. Pero wag na pala, mahal 'to sayang naman.

The venue of the engagement party is so ugly. It's so common, like duh? its like it wasn't carefully thought out and prepared. Booo, 'yan na yun? Ampangit talaga.

"Tangina...ang sakit." Sabay kuha ko nang bote ng alak at nilagok ito. Again, hoping that the alcohol would numb the pain. But even as the liquid went down, the ache in my heart remained, refusing to go away.

"Sige, Ishan. Iiyak mo lang hangga't masimot at maubos na ang luha mo." Pangungumbinse ko sa sarili ko.

And in that moment, I silently vowed that this would be the last time I let myself cry over her. I promised myself to stop relying on alcohol and take control of my life. It was time to heal and move forward. I needed a fresh start, or else I risked losing myself. Maybe it was time to accept that waiting was over. She's engaged, and I had waited long enough. The hope that our story wasn't over had kept me holding on, na baka pwede pa, babalik siya. But as I witnessed her genuine happiness while talking about her future husband, I had to face the truth—I was mistaken.

After all, it's my fault that I'm still here, hurting. There's no certainty, but I took a risk. Despite the uncertainties, I choose to believe in the love she has for me, to have faith in her. I hold onto something uncertain.

I have no regrets meeting her, but perhaps things would have been better if our paths had never crossed.

Natalo ako sa larong ako lang ang manlalaro.

Putanginang 'yan.

C.