To The Voices In My Head

Chapter #1 Desire For Violence

4/13/24 I attend a private school in a neighborhood called Watts in Los Angeles, it's a completely normal school on the outside but on the inside it's a whole different story. The seventh grade isn't so bad as people see it, but for me it's a struggle. My emotions get the best of me and I get caught up in my thoughts thinking for the worse to come everyday at school, either I get in trouble or I'm on edge. I've had very bad memories at my school including bullying, fights, drug abuse and seeing other sides of my classmates such as traumatic events and worse. Everyone at my school sucks, including my so called "friends".

 I put on an act everyday at school and I never show the real me, because the real me is selfish, greedy, judgmental, narcissistic, crazy, and violent. At the beginning of the year in sixth grade, there were ten new students and on the first week of school one had already been mad at me for making a joke of her name, she later on left the school for lashing out and talking back to the principal. The other girl had already tried fighting my friend on the first week of school for the racist comments he made about her but he turned out okay and was laughing about it. Two students left because one of them was being bullied for her weight and the other left because that was her friend. So that left 7 new students, they all came from the same private school. They acted rude and mean except for three of them who had common sense to be respectful and kind. 

That same sixth grade year I started abusing marijuana that I got from my parents, it's not that they just gave it to me, I would go in their room and take it from their drawers or closet. I needed something to help me escape from anxiety, stress and other painful feelings. I started drinking alcohol also so I can get a calm "kick" out of my day. I hated waking up and feeling tired, stressed, sad or angry and especially on weekdays when I had to go to school. I would wake up at 6:00 A.M. every Monday through Friday just so I could learn nothing and lash out at people from my mood swings.

Every school day was the same, do work, talk back to the teacher, make fun of others, and feel like shit for everything I did during the day and regret my existence. I hated everyday of sixth grade because I would either be a complete asshole or just feel sad. I had two "friends" or if I was even considered their friend. We would always get in trouble for anything you could think of such as writing on school property, bullying others, talking back to teachers, inappropriate language, laughing during class and even for watching porn and gore videos during class. It was gruesome to just sit in the corner of class and watch someone having sex or a video of someone getting skinned or shot, but we just did it.

We were sick in the head, I was sick in the head. I'm not going to deny that I in fact liked the videos because it was somewhat entertaining to me and also my friends. I hated when people would fight because it made people look weak, and I'm not talking about the people who were getting beat up, but I'm talking about the people who started the fights, how fucking stupid are you for starting a fight because "He said he would blah blah blah" or "She said she would blah blah blah" it made them look like weak imbeciles and that they had no house training whatsoever. I saw multiple fights throughout the year but there's one that had me pissed off, it was one of the new students during our physical education class and her sister who was also new. We had P.E. with the fifth grade class every Tuesdays and one day the two sisters started hitting a kid from fifth grade because one of the sisters said "He said I looked like a troll" which later turned out to be a lie made up by one of her so called "friends" who talked shit about her and her sister, the kid turned out okay but he was bleeding from the top of his eyebrow because of one of the sisters rings.