I'm Sorry, But Not to You

My Experience / The Reality of Unsupervised Social Media as a child

As a child, when I joined the infamous social media Google Plus, the horrors of the internet weren't quite widespread yet. Like most children, I never took it seriously. Something as significant as trauma couldn't ever happen to me, right? I remember thinking that when I made my account. Nothing could go wrong in a matter of a year...right?

How foolish I was to think that nothing could happen to me back then. I admit that I don't exactly remember everything word for word. I just remember joining and thinking that I would get close to someone that I saw as my idol at the time.

When I joined, I was extremely naive. I was a fool to think that everyone on the internet who showed my 13-year-old self the smallest compassion or a compliment was my friend.

At the time, no one understood me in real life the way that I thought that people online did. There was a time when I thought that the people online understood me better than those around me.

Looking back, I admit that I wasn't the best person to be around. I was blind to notice the red flags that were around me. Looking back, I had anger issues, anxiety, low self-esteem, and trust issues. I would often get misgendered for being a guy because of how I dressed, and it made me feel insecure. My parents were busy with work at the time so I didn't have anyone to talk to about my problems. My hair was also always almost cut short and I never really let it grow out. I loved attention, so I would always keep it short as a short bob-stylized haircut. (Similar to Dora). I would also do various things for people to pay attention to me.

So when I had my very first social media, the only thing I could think to myself was, 'This will be so much fun! I will finally get to be an adult for the first time using social media!' And it was, for a short time. For the first half of the year 2017, I was happy. I was making friends online, talking to people that I admired, and even getting responses back from the person I looked up to. Someone that I wanted to be friends with at the time. Everything seemed like it was falling into place for me. I felt less lonely and felt like someone cared about me. I wished that it could last forever at the time.

But nothing lasts forever. I remember the day that the group was created. I remember joining it thinking that I could get closer to that one person. Looking back, I couldn't have been a bigger fool. I was clingy and had problems that I needed to work through. I admit that I wasn't the best person, as my flaws became more apparent and noticeable by the hour. My obsession was becoming worse, and my need to be a people pleaser was getting more noticeable by the day, and everyone online became aware of that.

I remember being so jealous of the friend group that I wished I was a part of. I wanted to have something like that. I wanted to have people that cared about me at that time. I just wanted someone to care enough. I would say things that were over the line or unsettling, such as "They aren't talking to me" or "Oh I miss them" and everyone was beginning to get tired of me.

Eventually, people lost their patience with my antics and started to distance themselves from me. When I realized it, I didn't know what to do. I realized how badly I had screwed up when I looked at my phone and a person I had considered my friend had messaged me asking if we could talk, only for them to tell me that everyone was sick of my shit and scolded me.

I remember being in that very same group chat with those very same people and realizing what they thought of me. I had left the chat temporarily and then shortly returned. Curiosity struck within me and I scrolled back up. To my horror, I discovered that they were celebrating me leaving the chat and it had become more lively and cheerful than ever before I had returned. The reality of the situation had completely settled in for me and I remember breaking down crying in my bed and covering my body with my blanket, throwing my phone across the side of the room and curling up, not wanting to even exist anymore as a person, thinking that I had failed everyone around me.

I will never forget that pain in my chest when I saw their words and their exact thoughts of me. I may not remember everything that was said in the chat, but...I sure as hell do remember how it felt when I realized that no one wanted me around.

Whenever I think about that incident, I always have these questions that linger in my mind.

Was the entire situation stupid? Yes, it was.

Should I have not been so dramatic when confronted about being clingy? Absolutely.

Were those "friends" really shitty and handled the situation poorly? Yes.

Was it fucked up for them to celebrate when I was gone? Well, yes, but....

I still feel like it was all my fault somehow.

I used to think that it was my fault and I let things get out of hand. Had I been more mature maybe they wouldn't have disliked me so much. Maybe things would have been so much better for me. But when I look back on it...I realized that no amount of being mature would have changed anything. I can't make people like me and change myself to please others. They didn't want me around, and I didn't know any better when I was thirteen. I was just a kid, and I shouldn't have gone through that.

I wish I could tell little Isa that she didn't have to try so hard to win people's approval. Everyone has a place in this world and she didn't have it there, and that's okay. Not everyone is your friend, And not everyone will like you, and that's okay too.

Little Isa deserved better back then. She deserved so much better. And I wish I could comfort her and tell her that it's going to be okay and that we don't need that person in our lives anymore to be happy.

Out of everyone in that chat, I only really remember two people who truly apologized to me. A friend that was against the entire situation from the beginning, and the person who had started it.

Everyone else just dipped the moment shit hit the fan. I get it, uncomfortable shit happened. A former friend of mine went out of control when I sent them the link to the group chat, hoping that they could fix the situation if they talked to the person for me. Well, he didn't, as he only just escalated the situation and sent unnecessary images to the chat that probably caused everyone to see me in a different light from now on. But whatever. It's not like I have to prove myself to them or anything.

I don't talk to any of those people anymore. And if I am being honest, I can't say that I would want to really. It's not that I have a grudge against them or anything. I just can't bring myself to try and carry a conversation with them. A part of me feels lingering resentment and guilt towards them. We just didn't click as friends, and that's okay. Life just be like that. I just feel like I will always feel that way when talking to them. Not because I can't move on, but because too much had happened in the past between us and I can't help but feel like they will always be reminded of my old username when they see me. They will always see me as 'Arctic Wolf', and not Isa.

If I did see them again, I feel like I would start hyperventilating and be on high alert for fear of someone judging me and my past actions. I still have days where my bad habit of saying sorry slips out and I panic slightly because of what had happened. I began to even invalidate my feelings and believed that I was completely over this, but looking back....I realized that what had happened was extremely fucked up and I shouldn't have been involved in that kind of drama when I was still a kid and not knowing any better.

I am doing my best as I have mostly moved on from that incident. If I'm being honest, if it wasn't for that incident happening, then I wouldn't have become a better person and grown for it. I cringe whenever I think about what could have been had I remained that way when I was thirteen. It's unfortunate what happened, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad that it happened. They helped me become the person I am today, even if they were never meant to be a part of my life forever.

I am happy where I am now. I have people that genuinely enjoy my company and do actually love me for who I am. I have accepted what has happened, even if those people aren't in my life anymore, I'm happy being who I am and doing what I love and now know that I wasn't fully to blame back then.