i was scared to live, so i submitted myself to the capital cycle. i am also scared to die, so i should probably submit myself to a heart attack, a stroke, or any effect of old age. after all, both forfeits of the self flow in accordance with the current, both of them are only normal. still, i do not want a natural death. i do not like sitting in the seats at the doctors. i do not like waiting in line at the dmv. although i've probably needed it at a point, i avoid psychiatrists and people who resemble them because i detest the process it takes to heal. i detest all processes in general, so there's a slim chance i'd like the process of dying. it would probably take a few drinks and a sedative, but i'd rather be given the diagnosis, get my affairs in order, then pop a pill or put a bullet in my brain- get it done clean and easy. my life has meant nothing. i cannot change that, and that hurts me. it'd be best if i could get my death done before i start to remember this, so i could keep that sweet and simple insignificance with it. i'll have lived without changing the world, and left without having the time to regret it at all.
