The Darkness You Curse

★ Prologue.

My limbs still felt numb and unreachable by the time it was done.
Too numb to take me to the bathroom to wash away the shame that threatened to drown me from the inside.
Too numb to let calls for help come out of my mouth.

Not even counting the stars on my bedroom's white ceiling have been able to prevent it from happening this night.
The eleventh of February.
What year was it again? Right, 2024.
02/11/2024.
The date I broke even further.
Further than I thought a person could break.
I didn't know there were any pieces left to break but it seems as if I was proven wrong when my ears picked up on my ringtone for her.

I squeezed my tear welling eyes shut with all the strength I could muster and hoped I could will that awful song to stop with the force of my agony.
There remained one problem.
Hope was not here in the room with me.
She was somewhere I would not dare to go much longer.
Somewhere I didn't deserved to be at anymore.

I somehow, with lots of effort, managed to make my cloth-less vessel fall onto the gifted black faux fur carpet, my lungs expanding from the effort of this single action.

"Pathetic, little boy."
The words rang inside my head with a force that threatened a new wave of liquid to leave my eyes.
My trembling fingers sunk into the fabric underneath my hands and I closed my eyes while taking a deep breath to stop myself from crying as wholeheartedly as I yearned to.

The person to speak those words was not wrong and no matter how much I had tried to convince myself in the last couple of months that I wasn't this deranged, freak-ish person I was told to be my entire life, it would always end with me being the dirt under the shoes of my greatest pain-giver.

As time went on, my arms and legs finally allowed me to crawl all the way to the bathroom which was placed in the right corner in my bedroom.
It was the only luxury that has been gifted to me and the only place in this house to give me a sense of comfort.

The soreness of my throat was not unfamiliar, though uncomfortable.
If I would have known about the turn of tonight's events I would have placed a bottle of water on my nightstand, ready to rinse out the taste of the known occurrence.

As I heaved myself up to the palms of my hands, my eyes found the only drawer under my sink and that's when I contemplated if a happy ending was still somewhat in the cards for someone like me.
Someone damaged beyond repair.
Someone who is not even man enough to protect himself, body and mind.

After successfully crawling to the bathtub, I let my back hit its cold tiles.
Every blink of my tired eyes had me seeing her.
As the next flash of dark hair and light eyes appeared behind closed lids, my phone began ringing again.
Or maybe it never stopped ringing, I wasn't sure.
Wasn't sure of anything right now.

The drawer caught my eyes again and when it did, it was as if something in my brain had clicked.
That something prevented me from closing my eyes again despite the urge to do so.

The flash of her face would only stop me from bending forward a bit.

The flash of her eyes would only stop me from opening the drawer and pulling out the only thing that could
help me take my mind off things.

Leaning back, I eyed the silver razor blade in the palm of my right hand.
It was such a tiny object yet could cause so much damage if I changed the direction in which I was cutting.

I really, really shouldn't.
But my vision became hyper focused at the same time my mind had made its decision and prepared itself for the sight of shame leaving my body in the color of red.

A shaky breath left my mouth at the same time a few more tears ran down my cheeks, falling down onto my heaving, bare chest.

I'm sorry, hope.