I should stop.
This fatigue, this boredom, the sleepiness that slithers and tightens to squeeze around myself whenever I try to leave my room.
I should stop it. I've never thought myself to be so weak willed. I can't even eat dinner because I'm so tired. I don't know who I am and I know, I know I should care.
I should stop but for all the times I'm awake, sleeping is truly better, why stop when I've started.
I loved and I want to keep whatever this thing in life is but even without me, it goes on. This is my only reprieve. In some ways, I am moving on but not in the direction I expected when I was born.
Before, I cared a little, my words a generic density of teenage angst to claim as a phase. (I had always been aware of this. I cared a lot because if I was generalized, then my anger did not belong to me, my spite and hate and even my lingering love, worked against me.) In some ways it's true but I wish it could last long enough to carry me into adulthood. Then, I would be a depressed adult rather than a dependent. Because I know how a depressed person can take away everything from you. Loneliness is healthy in moderation. I've been thinking about it. It's sad to live everyday waiting to die. I will be, what, 60, so many years from now.
So many years.
This is truly teenage angst. A double edged sword. I need to tell myself this, so when I'm called whatever people think it's best to tell me I am in the aftermath. I know how measly it is. This is truly teenage angst.
A/n-
Okay, this is it, last poem, I'm done writing trauma on the Internet, I think. I'm just sick, joint pain and all and lonely and 17. So yea. Whatever I think love is, apparently it isn't enough for me to not be tired and gentle and determined. I don't know if hypothyroidism is supposed to affect you this much. There have to be other factors. I'm estimating to live till 35, not a lot but enough, I suppose. No one truly wants to die but in it, whatever form of sadness there is, can never, isn't an option, to compare to simpler times.
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PoetryTW' trauma dumping read this in an accent, thank you. Yes, all thoughts are authentic but never original. This kills me, so I search. It would kill me less if all authenticity didn't claim healing is a forgetting through the passage of time. That t...
