𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝙢𝙚 - 𝐏𝐨𝐥𝐲 𝐁𝐋

𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝒅𝒓𝒖𝒏𝒌 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔

Elijah

It's been days since I last went to school. And it's been a while since I've seen Ellis and Tobias. I know that I can't miss many days of school or the school starts to get involved. So I wonder how I am able to miss so many days. I haven't been to school in a week.

I've been texting Ellis and Tobias, not telling them anything. I don't want them to say anything. They're already worried too much.
Which feels nice, having people worry about me.
But at the same time, I wish they weren't.

"Elijah!" My dad calls me from downstairs, and I immediately go answer him. It's better to just go to him, then just asking him what he wants from upstairs, even if he wants something from up here. Preferably I don't want to make him mad. So I make my way downstairs.

"Yes?" I ask, looking at both of them on the sofa, with a few beer cans on the floor.

"Be useful and buy me and your mother a beer." He shouts at me as he grabs my mom's waist who giggles. He throws many coins and dollars at me, which all end up on the floor. I sigh and knelt down to pick them up.

"Fucking mistake, you can't even catch." He scoffs which makes me want to throw all these coins at him and his cunt of a wife.

How in the hell am I supposed to catch all those damn coins?!

"I don't know if they'll let me–"

"Here." He toses me a card, which i catch and loom at. It's his ID. "Sadly you almost look like younger me. Now go!"

I sigh and just leave as instructed. I walk down the sidewalk clutching his stupid card in my hand. "I can't wait till this year is fucking over."
I mutter to myself.

I end up getting the beers and taking them back to the place I sadly have to call home. I open the door and can hear them from in here making out on the sofa. I roll my eyes before entering the room and watching them locking lips with one another while laying down. I ignore them and place the bag down full of beers.

"Can I... visit Ellis and Tobias? Just for a little while?"

"What have we said already? No! God, you don't listen!" The man screamed at me.

I decided not to protest and just make my way upstairs. I shut my door, and lean my back against the door before sliding down until my rear meets the floor.

"This is fucking stupid. I miss my boyfriends." I feel tears filling my eyes. They said that I wouldn't have to deal with this much longer.

They're lying to you, they don't care about you

You're fucking useless

Shut the fuck up and get out my head!

Leave me alone!

You can't even stand up to your parents

They think you're weak

Please... Leave me alone

You're weak

Pathetic

Useless

Worthless

Please...

I can't get these thoughts to leave me alone. They're so loud. I don't want to believe them. I've worked so hard to make my mental health better, but... deep down I still believe that im useless and worthless.

I believe that Ellis and Tobias don't love me as much as I hoped they would.

Because, why would they care about a guy like me?

I hear footsteps approaching the door before the door is opened, shoving me forward. I look behind me and see my mother.

"I want you to clean the house while we're gone."

"But it's already cleaned. I cleaned it yesterday." I feel my anger starting to boil over me. I push up from the floor and get in her face, my fat tears running down my cheeks.

"Clean it yourself! Im tired of this shit—"

A slap stings my cheeks as I am dazed that she hit me.

"Can't you do anything right? You can't even stand your ground with me. Tch, pathetic." She continues, "This house better be clean by the time we get back, or your bitch ass'll be back in the basement." She slams the door and I stand there still dazed. I have no word. I don't know what to feel right now.

All the words ringing in my ear. It instinctively makes my hands latch onto my hair.

I need to calm down

Better yet... I need a beer.

I make my way downstairs, hoping the beers would still be down here. Once I walked around the corners I saw most of the beer untouched.

I sit on the sofa over thinking my life before I grabbed one of the beers and downed one.
I then get to the point of my life where I met Tobias.

I grabbed another beer or two and downed the first one. It didn't taste great, but I felt like I was at ease as I drank. The feeling was better than what I was feeling before.

I remember all the bullying he put me through. How no one wanted to be my friend because they were afraid that Tobias would hurt them too. How lonely I was.

I down the second beer in hand, at a slower pace as I feel myself starting to get woozy. I feel like I could fill up a whole pool with my tears, but at the same time I could run a fucking marathon with my hands.

I begin to giggle out of nowhere.

Could I do a hand stand first try?

No I feel to lazy

Do elephants taste like chicken? No idiot they're not chicken. They'd probably take like a rhino.

I grab another beer before downing that one and wasting a bit on myself, which causes me giggles.

As more time passes on, my thoughts shifts from weird and funny to, serious questions.

I wonder if people want me dead?

Does dying take long?

I wonder if people would care if im gone..

Would my boyfriend's care if i died?

Probably not, they have one another. They don't need me...

Tears prick the hems of my eyes

So why am I crying?

People hate me, my boyfriends probably hate me, but that's life. People will hate you. So why do I feel like I've been shot? Everything around me feels hopeless... Am I even worth it.

Do I deserve to live?

I wish I was dead, just to make everyone happy. Everyone deserves happiness. Why do I deserve anything.

God I wish I could kill myself...

I can... I should...

I will

Just to make everyone happy

I pull myself off the sofa and I grab my phone. I pull up our group chat and I contemplate

I probably should tell them so they can celebrate.

Yea...