Unspoken Longings

Invisible Memories

You see, my heart had hardened. Years of bad relationships, and loneliness led me to that point. I came home to the same empty apartment every night for three years. I stopped letting people in. I didn't give out trust. I never wanted to become that person, but I did.

I remember taking you to the shooting range, and you having a better shot than me. I remember taking you to the beach, and watching the sky go dark. Your hair is blowing in that summer wind. I remember holding your hand up to my own. It was so small, but I knew it would fit perfectly in mine. I remember taking you to my best friend's house, and looking into his eyes with more happiness than I had felt in years. I remember going back to my apartment, and for the first time in ages, it wasn't lonely anymore. I remember laying on the couch, and you looking into my eyes, and leaning in for that first kiss. I remember the song that was playing, I remember the way my chest felt with my heart racing deep down inside. I remember pulling up to your house at five o'clock in the morning, and bringing you in close and hearing your tired little voice say "I really like you." I remember all those things, and sometimes I wonder if you remember those things too. For the first time in years, a girl had flown in and broke my wall to pieces. I was all in, and I knew there was no going back.

I remember the night you called me from the bar, and told me that a man had tried to kiss you, and how my heart was filled with rage, and looking back, I think that scared you. I think that you saw a man that was willing to lose the blood of his nose for your protection and respect. I'll never understand why, but I truly think that scared you. It scared me.

Weeks went by, and I started to notice you losing the happiness that you had that first night we went out. You told me you felt lost, and confused, and anxious. I was so afraid of losing you, and not being able to control that at all. You had opened up to me, and I remember how hard it was for you to do that. All of these signs that I had seen were telling me to sail West, all along you were sailing East. I felt like God had finally sent an angel, just for me, to rescue my heart, but that wasn't his plan. I remember how I prayed for you, that God would guide you, and help you, but I don't think he ever did while I was in your life.

I saw you less. I heard from you less, and the little flicker of hope that was lit inside of my heart shined a little less, day by day. I asked my friends, my God, my family for guidance, and they all told me to give you time. I remember the day that I picked up my phone, and did the most selfless thing I've ever done in my life. I told you that I'd let go if you wanted me to. I remember I spent hours looking at that text before I hit send, and finally I did.

I expected the worst, but instead, you told me that you didn't want me to let go, that you were in a bad place of life at the moment, and that we would just have to take things slow. We talked on the phone for four hours that night. I told you how I cared so much for you, and if it was your decision to take things slow, that I would. I remember falling asleep feeling like a giant rock had been lifted off my chest. Little did I know, it was suspended just a few feet above me, waiting to fall.

I remember the last night I ever saw you. I had planned a date for us. I remember calling you and texting you that night, and never hearing from you, and pacing around my apartment, screaming at God, asking him why he was putting me through so much to be with you; and I remember the minute you called me and said you were on your way, and how I felt like such a fool for getting so bent out of shape, but I realized why I felt those feelings. I felt the hurt of relationships past materializing and coming back in the form of us, and this time, I had no protection from that giant boulder, hanging over my head, ready to drop.

I remember laying on my couch with you that night. Your kiss was different. Your voice was different. Something was wrong and I knew it. You fell asleep for a while on my chest, but I couldn't. I just held you tight, in case this was it. I wanted to get every last ounce of feeling you close to me, just in case I'd never feel it again.

I remember walking you to your car, and kissing you goodbye for the last time. I remember I kissed you just a little bit longer before you pulled away from me, got in that old Hyundai, and drove right out of my life.

I remember the night you texted me. The night my heart was ripped right down the fucking middle. The night that you told me that I couldn't have you anymore. I knew that I couldn't hold your hand again, that I couldn't gaze into your crystal blue eyes, that I couldn't play with your hair anymore, that I'd never wake up beside you again, that I'd never be able to kiss you again, and that I'd never hear your little feet walking down the halls of my apartment again.

You wanted to stay friends, but I couldn't. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to do any of those things, all with you right in front of me. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing another man, steal your heart, right before my eyes, and watching you fall for him as well. You were confused and angry at me, but I knew that if I continued to see you, but only as friends, that I'd never get you out of my heart.

I still miss you. I still sleep on the side of my pillow that has your smell. I dream about you from time to time. I wake up and you're the first thing on my mind. I hear from you from once in a while. You'll like one of my pictures, or you'll send me a snapchat. Just for a moment, when I see your name light up my phone, I'm happy again, until reality creeps back in that you're gone.

I wonder if you ever think about me. If you ever wonder what could have been, what would have happened if we would have fought through the problems you faced, together. I'll always wonder. As I try to repair the wall around my heart, I know for a fact that if you walked back into my life, you'd knock that wall down quicker than before if you ever do come back around.

I miss you, still.

April 22. 23

11.29 pm