𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑠𝑙𝑒𝑒𝑝

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It actually started really soft but it ended up looking like a hate letter, so yeah, sorry for the negativity, I hope you have a nice day <3

☆

Night is my favorite time of the day.

It's peaceful, silent, and there's none to bother me.

I can be myself, cry freely because of a show, draw for hours without distraction, enjoy my music, play games, and the list goes on.

Also, the stars shines in the sky, I can search for constellations and get lost in the immensity of the sky, eyes shining like the one of a kid's on a Christmas morning.

And despite my love for the bright and warm sunlight, the soft and comforting presence of the moon will always be my first choice.

While things are also scarier, more dangerous at night because well, people exists -unfortunately-, it's also... prettier.

Everything feels intimate when done in the deep hours of the night, from songs to discussions, it always makes my heart bubbles contently in my chest because of the proximity I feel.

But just like the pretty moon, it has a hidden face.

Where the true, deep, darkness lies.

This darkness has always been here, in my life, perched on my shoulder like an annoying parasite.

Apparently, I never slept. Since my very first weeks of being alive, sleeping was unironically a nightmare.

Actually, it's falling asleep more than the actual act of sleeping.

From heavy sobs to restless eyes, the fear remained, stable at any time of my life, during the happiest to the most traumatic events.

After years of trying to figure it out, it's still a mystery to me, and only some guesses can be made, because, what can cause a weeks old baby to panic and takes hours to fall asleep?

"Breathe. Meditate. Read. Close your eyes. Stop thinking. Don't look at your phone an hour before bed."

Probably the most common things I've heard, countless times.

I won't say it's stupid -even though for me it is, to be honest, as if I never tried closing my eyes or doing breathing exercices, just ridiculous- because for most people it is not, I can believe that it work for them.

Not for me.

Trust me, I tried. So so much.

I tried so much that now when I'm asking someone to knock me out, I'm not even joking.

Some nights I don't need to stop thinking or whatever, I just need to stop.

Like, stop my whole being. Stop my goddamn existence. 

Because some nights, I'm not even scared, I simply can't get myself to sleep.

I truly can't.

I promise I tried, I swear.

It seems to be a part of me, even if I know it's not the case.

The guilt I feel when I talk about it with someone makes me nauseous, because what if I'm not trying hard enough? Or what if I'm faking everything?

Maybe I just don't sleep because like I said, I like night time.

It's stupid. I'm stupid.

There's no reason to not be asleep, nothing to be scared off, nothing to be insecure about, nothing to overthink.

Actually there is things to overthink but whatever.

Sometimes it is a reason for my restless nights, the fear of being alone with myself, with my thoughts and everything, it is scary, but it's not the case every night.

And it's not the thing that got me into this... habit? Of being afraid.

Because I wasn't overthinking and scared of myself when I was like 1 year old.

It's just weird.

Weird and stupid.

I should just try harder, apparently it always pays off when you try hard enough.

And since I seem to lack power of will, it's probably just that, and I'm probably looking for fake troubles to explain the way I am.

Deep down I know it's not my fault, but it's easier to think it is, and if I think so myself, then it hurt less when people tell me it my fault.

☆

It almost turned into a whole rant about how stupid humans are and how much I hate people and interacting with them because they're simply pissing me off so much that it turns into a visceral hate.., but I feel like I need to keep my sarcastic hate comments to myself.

Most likely because humans will read this and I don't want people to think that I'm putting everyone in the same basket.

Just 99% of the population.

ANYWAY sorry I'm actually ranting, but I'm currently (it's been 2 weeks) extremely asocial and felt the need to talk about my somniphobia? Sleep anxiety? Whatever this shit is, because it is a serious things and I'm tired of people thinking that it's just that we don't want or try to sleep, thank you.

(Did I wrote this after a video on youtube pissed me off? Yes. Absolutely. And I'm not sorry.)