it takes time

PART ONE

I don't pay attention to the sound of the cafeteria filling up, but a couple of whispers do sound louder than the others.

'She looks like a mess.'

'She looks half dead.'

I pick at the piece of lettuce in front of me with my fork. I've never been much of a food person, although I tell people that I am, just so they don't think anything is wrong with me.

Lately, I haven't been able to eat much.

I hear the crunch when the plastic fork pierces through the chopped up piece of lettuce.

'She's making it all about her.'

I sigh.

"Elle," I turn around to see my brother, Dante. I look at him, waiting for him to continue talking. "Why are you sitting alone? All of our friends are over there." I look to see where he's pointing.

The table with all of our friends seems so happy and full of life. They're all laughing and joking around. I can hear their laughs from here.

"I think I'm gonna go to the library for lunch today." I say, hoping he won't make it a big deal.

"You can't be alone all the time anymore." Dante's voice is stern, almost as if he were scolding a child. Aside from the fact that I'm a year younger than him, I'm usually the mature one.

My body is telling me no.

To stay here.

To stay where it won't hurt.

'Your legs are shaky, you'll fall.'

'You're weak, stay here.'

Ignoring my brain's protests, I grab my food and follow him to the table full of our friends. I feel like I'm five years old again when Dante puts his hand on my back to guide me to the table.

'Mommy! Ellie fell down the stairs!' Dante puts his hand behind my back and leads me inside of our house.

Mom comes rushing out to see her daughter's knee bloodied and scratched.

'Are you okay, honey?'

I'm back to the present when I'm almost at the table. I avoid looking at his spot as much as possible.

"Hey, Ellie! It's good to have you back!" Katelyn greets me by patting the spot next to her.

I sit.

"How are you?" Aphmau asks me.

I hold back from glaring at her.

How do you think I am?

"I'm okay."

My short answer makes it clear that I don't want to make conversations. I go back to picking at the salad in the plastic bowl as soon as they start up their conversations again. 

I don't say anything for the rest of lunch, but I can feel eyes on me every now and then.

—

I drop my bag on my bed as soon as I'm home. My room is dark and surprisingly clean, considering that I haven't been actively cleaning it. My bed is the same as always. My dresser has a couple of pictures littering the top. I flipped all of them over.

I can't stand looking at his face.

I lay on my bed, I haven't turned the lights on in days. This whole time I've been getting ready in the dark.

The knock on my door makes me jump, even though I know it's Gene. He's been staying here for the past couple of weeks. Gene lives by himself, but he still comes over to visit.

"Come in."

Gene enters my room and turns the light on, breaking my streak of darkness. I flinch when the light blinds me.

"Hey," He sits down next to me.

I'm not ready for the grown up talk.

"No." I say.

He laughs.

I blink back tears.

"You know I have to," He sits up, I sit up with him. "It's going to hurt for a while." He says.

I know.

"How long?" I ask.

Forever.

"I don't know, but you'll get through it. I promise. It takes time" He hugs me. I hug back. I haven't hugged either of my brothers in so long.

—

I get in the car.

Go to school, eat, sleep, repeat.

That's all I can remember from the past few weeks. I don't know specifics, I just do what I need to to get through the day. When we get to school, Dante doesn't leave my side. He holds my hand and drags me up the stairs.

Dante holds my hand before crossing the street.

'I'm a big girl! I can do it myself!' I protest and break free from his grasp.

He laughs, but he looks hurt.

That was the last time I held Dante's hand, he never tried again after that.

I don't protest this time, instead I hold it tighter. I squeeze his hand, letting him know that I'm okay. He walks with me up the stairs to the entrance of our school.

The hallways are already loud and buzzing with people's laughter and swearing. I see a circle of people surrounding two other boys, they're arguing about something, but I ignore them and keep walking with Dante.

"Babe!" I look over to see Emris, Dante's girlfriend and my best friend. Emris's eyes soften when she looks at me, she engulfs me in a hug. A really tight one.

"I'm okay."

I feel like I'm dying.

"That's good," She hugs me again and then kisses Dante.

Gross.

I let go of Dante's hand and let the couple have their alone time.

"Elle," I turn around to see Spencer, my guy best friend and ex boyfriend.

I hate that people say you can't be friends with someone you used to date.

Yes, it hurts if you loved them, but it takes time to realise that feelings change and you have to let go of what once was. Just like humans. You start off as a baby and then you grow. You change. One day you like the colour yellow and then the next you absolutely despise it. The cycle continues until you die.

"Hi, Spence." I hug him. He puts his arm around me as we walk to our advisory.

"You okay?"

No, I'm not.

"I'm okay."

We keep walking in silence for a few seconds.

"Everyone's worried about you." He admits.

I remove his arm from around me. "Tell them I'm fine. I'm here aren't I?"

I feel someone accidently bump into me.

"Sorry."

I shrug.

"I'll live."

Will I?

The girl that bumped into me gives me a sad look then walks away, probably to her classroom.

I look at Spencer.

"I'm fine."