Lift Your Head

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

I'm beyond tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. Like a ship battered by stormy seas, tossed about with nowhere to go.

Every breath is a struggle, every step forward feels like two steps backward. The weight of my own existence crushes me beneath its heavy hand, leaving me broken and empty. I can't seem to escape this never-ending cycle of pain and self-loathing. Nothing matters anymore; there's no point in continuing this charade called life. Death sounds so peaceful compared to the living hell I've been forced to endure. Why won't anyone save me from myself? Why does it hurt so much?

While staring into nothing, my phone suddenly rang. Vanessa's name on the top.

[How are you these past few days? It's been a while. Hang out?] She asked me.

[Next time.] I shortly answered her.

[What happened? Pupuntahan kita.] She uttered before hanging up the phone.

I sighed. Wala ako sa wisyo, all I want to do is to sleep and rest. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ako okay. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko, I kept asking myself 'Ayos pa ba ako?' Bakit ngayon ko nararamdaman yung pagod? Sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, ngayon ko lang naramdaman yung pag-suko.

Narinig ko ang doorbell kaya agad akong tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo ko sa kama ko. Agad akong tumakbo pababa ng hagdan dahil ayaw ni Vanessa na pinaghihintay siya nang ganoon katagal.

As i open the door, she held my hand and gave me a warm hug. This is home. My home.

“What's our problem?” Tanong nito habang inaakay ako patungo sa sofa.

“I don't actually know. I feel drained. Ni hindi ko kayang mag trabaho ngayon, I deserve rest.” I answered.

“Van... Kaya ko pa ba?” Malungkot na sambit ko rito.

“Yes, you can, Lian. Remember that strength comes from within, and even in moments of doubt, you have the resilience and courage to overcome challenges. Take a deep breath, believe in yourself, and trust in your ability to face whatever lies ahead. You are capable, you are resilient, and you are stronger than you think. Keep moving forward with determination and faith in your own strength. You've got this! I got your back, bae!” She smiled and hugged me.

Nagpalitan kami ng sagot at tanong hanggang sa maging okay na ako. Kapag siya ang kausap ko, nagiging okay agad ako.

Kahit gaano kabigat ang dibdib ko, hindi ko pa rin kayang tiisin si Mama. That's the first time she slapped me. Hindi ako makapaniwala na magagawa niya sakin iyon. Parang radyong sira ang boses niya na paulit-ulit tumutunog sa utak ko. Mas masakit pa ang mga salitang iyon kaysa sa sampal niya.

Gumabi na rin at nakauwi na si Vanessa. I feel empty again. Noon, gustong-gusto ko ang dilim dahil ang pakiramdam ko ay peaceful. Ngayon naman, bakit parang pakiramdam ko there's an empty space inside me?

Days had passed at ready na rin akong pumasok ulit sa trabaho. Nagpahinga lang ako saglit dahil buhat ko lahat ng pressure. May upcoming event pa na saakin ini-assign kaya mas busy ako this week.

Patulog na sana ako nang narinig ko na naman ang doorbell. Panigurado si kuya Leo ito.

“Little demon!” Natutuwang bungad nito na para bang may sandamakmak na good news. Tumatalon-talon pa talaga siya sa tuwa.

“WHAT'S HAPPENING?” Nagtatakang tanong ko.

“Natanggap ako sa Chupeng Law firm!” Masayang sambit nito.

Agad na nabuo ang ngiti sa mukha ko. I'm so glad.

“That's great! Hindi na ako magtataka, magaling ka e. Hello? You're a professional, UNDEFEATED Lawyer kaya. Who would not accept you? It's their loss!” Sambit ko.