Heartstrings

II

Pain was all I have known in my life, the harshness of this world has made me today who I am; some people say don't let the harshness define you let not the cruelty get you and make you something you are not, but is it even possible? To not become someone you never wished to be ? I believed in that too until I saw my self turning into a person I never wanted to be , felt myself betraying to myself ...

Tears rolled down my eyes as I stood in front of the mirror looking at my disheveled self looking at the mess I have become today it was finally over as I stood and there was no voice around me people left me no one to yell at me no one to accuse me, but I realized people voices that were always about harshness towards me has become something in my head that i can't comprehend, I felt trapped in my head I want to close my ears but there voices in my head were the screams that i cant escape.

I believed how you train your brain it will be trained like that. But probably I was wrong and partially I was right because my Will to train my brain has taken me somewhere I have tried honestly but I lost, because I became tired so exhausted of people.

I wiped my tears wore my slippers and went to the terrace it was night time I usually used to sit here at our house we had a very beautiful terrace I had a room at a terrace can you imagine that? I could easily see the sun the moon and rain and the clouds from my window it really fascinated me always

On one side I had my room and on the other side there were plants so beautiful, my mother had always been a clean women she like to make sure everything looks perfect, and which thing doesn't look perfect she throws it out . Right ..

There was a bench too but I usually sat on floor hugging my legs putting my head on my knees letting the wind blow through my hair my face and like every time I wanted peace to find me.

But it never came...

I sat there remembering how my school life went, well I was dumb and naive I had no one that I can call a friend, so I became desperate to make friends to be someone I wasn't I was like forcing myself to be somewhere where I wasn't welcomed but now after so many years i feel it . That child didn't wanted to be alone and became desperate and felt so lonely because when she used to see people having friends there buddies they were actually enjoying but me ? I wasn't welcomed you when you are not welcomed anywhere that makes you more bitter more desperate for things you want.

Once I was in 9th grade I remember my classmate who I thought was my friend I believed who was my friend I still love at that God !

'Zohal, how could you go to such level? Huh don't you have any shame or what? I befriended you and look how cheap you get or how low you can go?'

I was confused my heart beat was racing so fast I looked at the message and at the WhatsApp group in that group my at least 40-45 students were present my heart crawled in my throat blocking my breathing, i was confused she was my best friend not really the friend ship was always from my side not from hers

The next message cleared out the whole thing

'A girl like you so desperate , you wanted ali to be your friend so you shared my pictures with him? How low you could have gone Zohal!!?'

I was like what?

She wrote so many messages of accusing me of something i never did , i was too naive for this world at that time you know what I did ? I never justified my self because i broke down. She accused me said so many things that i couldn't register it into my mind my heart started bleeding there were people in that group that people whom i was going to face tomorrow to sit with them to talk with them it burned my soul and you know worst part ? Nobody stood by my side they were watching her accuse me

When I told my sister about it she stood up for me she insulted her telling her that how wrong she was by accusing me of such things

But I never said anything

And that day she broke something in me

She might know but she hurt someone who never wanted something from her never wanted anything.. but just friendship

And that day i back off, from people I call friends.

Because they were never my friends. It was always me

'Zohal!!! Come lets eat something'

Wajiha yelled from downstairs, oh sorry i forgot to introduce her wajiha is my sister she is younger than me but she is elder than me I hope you get that !

I laugh because she impatient now she is calling on my phone God what I am gonna do with her

I cleaned my face and walked out of terrace

Thinking that even though If we don't have someone there will always be a person who will love you no matter how much messy you are....

And that person for me was my little sister

As I reached the staircase I looked down from the stairs

'You need to be stop annoying me'

'You are were born grumpy and annoyed how am I supposed to annoy you God baba Zohal is being annoying again'

I laughed at her dramatic nature and when i reached her I playfully smacked her head

'Let's Go you idiot let's have some food'....

And she fixed something she doesn't know existed.....

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written on : May 4th 2024