ShotGunSona's Ramblings

Parents, don't treat your child like an employee, and youself boss.

I have a problem, and that problem is parents treating their children like slaves. I have this problem with my own parent, but it's not super extreme.

- Asking/telling your child to help you with things is okay, and as a child it is a good thing to (want) to help your own parents. It goes down hill when you expect your child to do every single thing you ask them to.

- What's also bad, is forcing your children to partake in your hobbies even when you're told they don't want to, and don't like it. It's hobby for you, but it's a tiring chore for us when you demand it. Helping around once in a while is fine.

- Not giving your child privacy. Obviously bad.

- Degrading your child. This is just terrible. It affects them in negative ways.

A recent experience if mine; "You've been so lazy lately, I should make you do something."*

*I'm going to find something else for you to do because I can, and I want to.

I'm sorry Mother, you might be having a bad time, but please don't ruin my whole week. I never want to argue with her since it never works; it's better to go along and make her feel good, then forget about what just happens.

·Personal Rant· My Mother is always upset whenever something's not clean, or not "correct". I never want to purposefully leave out any mess because of her, and because I don't want to burden another person to clean it up. This lead me to wanting to stay up cooped in my room, but even the. I don't get any privacy. I wish I had a lock for my door; my mother sometimes comes into my room whenever I'm not home, and cleans it to make it "better". She says it makes me not depressed and anxious, but her coming into my room, taking, and relocating my stuff always makes depressed as a result. I get over it after a few days since I can't do anything about it. I just learned to live with it. I wish she wasn't all up in my business, and I wished she would try to do actual research, and I wished she didn't care about me all that much. Being my mother's only female child is taxing, and I sometimes wish that I was never born if I was going to be a subject to her. It's her house, so she can do anything. She hates my room. I love my room the way it is. I'm envious of my older brother because their rooms can be filled with dishes, but my mom would turn an eye to it.

She questions everything I wear. (I understand that is it weird.) I wear a jacket in spring and my mom is so pressed about it. She says I'm weird (basically calling me stupid in that tone of hers). For a long time, I never took care of my hair because I didn't feel like doing it, so my mother always made fun of that, and even got my whole family to comment on it. I was a girl, I should know how to take care of myself. This became my insecurity for a long time; I covered my head, and hair Throughout my time in middle school, and some time through highschool. But what about the boys? It may not be my fault I wasn't born with her genes, so I take accountability for bit properly doing my hair. It became way too damaged,  I decided to have my hair after countless frustrations.

It's just appearance, so it didn't feel that bad. As least not as much as being blamed for something you didn't do, and being berated for it.

I'm glad that my mother herself isn't actually a bad person. I don't want to make assumption and label her as such. I always tend to analyze people I know and wonder why they behave the way they are. I live with my mother, and I feel that she is a spiteful person. I feel that I wouldn't exist at all to her is I wasn't born female, and she wouldn't have cared about me if I didn't eat the food she made, or if I wasn't able to wash the dishes.

I never minded much whenever my Mother asks to help with household chores, cooking, to help alleviate some of her burdens. When I was younger, I would be happy to help, but I'm older now and I just can't deal with her demands all that well anymore. And as for school, it's always you have to study and gets an A. "If you have to do so-and-so, then you must have time to study!" Guilty as charged, this is true.

I don't know when I realized it, but I would always feel anxious whenever my parents are home. Loud noise often trigger my anxiety, but I'd find a way to calm down. Every single day, I'm restless. Only when my parents leave for a trip for at least day, do I actually feel good.

I'm currently failing a few of my classes, but I came so far that I don't actually have the incentive to care anymore. I usually would feel anxious, but that feeling doesn't come to me. I don't care anymore if she takes away my phone, and my laptop. I don't care if she disciplines me physically. I'll just get over it.

I care about my mother, I'm grateful she cared enough to teach me how to chores, and reprimand me I take care of my appearance. But I realize that if she were to ever disappear from my life, I wouldn't feel anything about it - at least, this is what I think I'd feel.
I understand why my mother is like this: She's an Asian immigrants, and that was how she was conditioned to be. I don't blame her for being the way she is, but it'll take a while before I truly forgive her.

I feel bad for her. I think about myself a lot, and I realize that I as person is not the I am because of my environment and the way I was raised, but rather because I born this way. I know my mother has a grudge against me, and I know she wished I wasn't the way I am; retarded, slow, stupid, weird, different, ugly. I used to be compared to other girls. I know that my brothers only tolerate me, and I know that they all agree with my mother. I hate myself also, and I live with that because I know there are people who have it worse than me, and I have it so well. In the end, nothing really matters, so I'm going to live my life now as person, before letting myself go.

I also won't deny that I am a lazy person, and I dream that one day, I would get a whole day to just do nothing. ·End Rant·

Thanks to whoever bothered to read all that.