HER JOURNAL

MAY 05, 2024

Midnight, eyes are tired but mind is wide awake. Have you ever stopped and forget about what you're supposed to be doing 'coz suddenly reality fiercely hits you in the face?

And you'll absentmindedly ask, "What the hell am I doing?"

"Do I know what I'm doing?"

"Do I know where it's leading me?"

I remember every dreams and goals were planned back when I was young. I swear, she never thought life's miserable out here. She never thought of carrying a heavy heart every single day while faking the smiles on her face. She never thought every time our mood is sad. She never thought we'll wish to die so bad.

She was simply hoping that her wishes will come true. Every night she's praying that soon she'll dance amidst the fairy lights and catch a shooting star. She fancy cute dresses and toys like it's the fortune she'll promise to keep. She'll run in the vast of green grasses lifting and extending her arms like a dove - pure and free. Her mind is a colorful canvas, filled with princesses, rainbows, and unicorns. She feels safe because of her family behind her - the strong foundations. She's not scared to mess up nor fail, she know her parents are there to save her.

She was the life I didn't realize to be so good to be true. Not realizing it until I grew up and look back at her saying, "I miss you."

I missed how I smile, giggle, and laugh without the fear of losing it the next few minutes. I miss how I make myself believe that stars will make my wishes come true. My younger self didn't knew, it was us who makes our wishes come to life. I miss running away from my playmates as we're playing tag. And how good I am hiding when we play hide and seek.

Now, I'm not playing yet I'm running and hiding from problems and issues I face in adulthood. I'm not ready for this. Can I still cry when I can't get what I want? Can I call my mother if I don't know the answer? No.

No more, "Mama, I don't know how to do this, can you help me?"

No more, "Papa, someone bullies me, can you talk to them for me?"

No more fairy tales. Growing up I realized that endings are not always "They live happily ever after"

Sometimes it's, "Yes! The exams are over"

Or maybe, "Finally, an 8 hours of sleep"

Did I just took advantage of my life before? Honestly, if I have known what's waiting for me ahead, I should've been more obedient to my mother. I should've slept every afternoon. I should've eaten more fruit and vegetables. I should've hugged them so tight and kiss them, and tell them, "I love you." Now, it's the hardest thing to do.

My dearest younger self, I won't give up on our dreams. You might not like the version of me right now, but we'll work on it. I'll continue and I'll never quit.

I want to see you happy. I want to hear you saying, "Thank you for becoming the person that we wanted to be. Thank you for not losing me."

Rain