The Sky And The Sea

Zeus Is Such a P*ssy

At the end of the hall stood a walnut door with a bronze plaque:

ASCLEPIUS MD, DMD, DME, DC, DVS, FAAN, OMG, EMT, TTYL, FRCP, ME, IOU, OD, OT, PHARMD, BAMF, RN, PHD, INC., SMH

There may have been more acronyms on that list but by that time my brain had exploded.

Piper knocked. "Dr. Asclepius?"

The door flew open. The man inside had a kindly smile, crinkles around his eyes, short salt-and-pepper hair, and a well trimmed beard. He wore a white lab coat over a business suit and a stethoscope around his neck—your stereotypical doctor outfit, except for one thing: Asclepius held a polished black staff with a live green python coiled around it.

If I never see a snake again for the rest of my life it will be too soon. The creature was regarding me with pale yellow eyes and I had a feeling it wasn't set to idiot mode like the last one.

"Hello!" said Asclepius.

"Doctor." Piper's smile was so warm it would've melted a Boread. "We'd be so grateful for your help. We need the physician's cure."

Holy shit ... I wasn't even Piper's target, but I now had a very strong urge to do every possible thing in the world to get her the physician's cure. I'm ready to go to medical school, get twelve different doctorates, and even buy a large green python on a stick.

I pinched myself. Damn, Piper's charmspeak is an actual danger to humanity.

Asclepius put his hand over his heart. "Oh, my dear, I would be delighted to help."

Piper's smile wavered. "You would? I mean, of course you would."

"Come in! Come in!" Asclepius ushered them into his office.

The guy was so nice, I was ready for him to be secretly insane, like having torture devices. But it looked like ... well, like a doctor's office: a big maple desk, bookshelves stuffed with medical books, and some of those plastic organ models that I may have tried throwing at Percy when we were in preschool.

Life was much simpler back then.

Asclepius took the big comfy doctor's chair and laid his staff and serpent across his desk. "Please, sit!"

There were only two chairs, which Jason offered to me and Piper. Leo and Jason stayed standing.

"So." Asclepius leaned back. "I can't tell you how nice it is to actually talk with patients. The last few thousand years, the paperwork has gotten out of control. Rush, rush, rush. Fill in forms. Deal with red tape. Not to mention the giant alabaster guardian who kills everyone in the waiting room. It takes all the fun out of medicine!"

"Yeah," Leo agreed. "Hygeia is kind of a downer."

Asclepius grinned. "My real daughter Hygeia isn't like that, I assure you. She's quite nice. At any rate, you did well reprogramming the statue. You have a surgeon's hands."

I snorted. "That is a recipe for disaster."

Jason shuddered in agreement. "Yeah, Leo with a scalpel? Don't encourage him."

The doctor god chuckled. "Now what seems to be the trouble?" He sat forward and peered at Jason. "Hmm ... Imperial gold sword wound, but that's healed nicely. No cancer, no heart problems. Watch that mole on your left foot, but I'm sure it's benign."

Jason blanched. "How did you—"

"Oh, of course!" Asclepius said. "You're a bit nearsighted! Simple fix."