Promising

Chapter 1-Meet our main character

Sometimes when I look out my bedroom window and see rain, I wish tomorrow would never come. My head hits my pillow as I gaze outside. Everything just feels right in moments like these.

Then my mind starts to wonder a bit more. Is there really nothing more worthwhile in my life than watching rain fall? Is a crackle of thunder all I have to feel...at some sort of inner peace?

I don't like feeling like this. It happens too often. I try to have my mind stray away and can succeed for a little while.

I need new bedsheets. I wonder what color I'll get. Blue will be calming. Red feels somehow more mature. I can go to the store tomorrow. Dry-earse markers are on my shopping list; gotta make sure to get those too.

Rain slowly drips me back to inner turmoil. What am I doing with my life? My job feels dead end. Could I work towards a promotion? I don't feel as qualified as my co-workers.

Co-workers...probably too overqualified to work with someone as dumb as me. Do they think the same? Probably and yet I hope not.

Squeezing my eyes shut does nothing to help put me to sleep. The rain is getting too loud. My hands start to numb with every passing moment.

What to do, what to do. What can I do? Maybe I should get up & walk around a bit; it might tire me out. Or it could excite me. Then I'll never go to sleep. I've got work in the morning.

Let me think, what will put me to sleep? Thinking, thinking, thinking. I need to buy some more make-up. That'll get added to my shopping list first thing after I wake up.
I need to start looking more presentable at work. Maybe actually looking like I care will help land me a damn promotion.

I don't know why I try to make myself care so much. I don't have a knack for any of the shit I do. I have no interest in my hobbies; if I did I'd try and make a career outta it.

Ugghhh, why am I so lame? All I do is go to work, visit my mom, and do fuck all at home. I only have 1 friend (unless I count my co-workers?) and never see her. I never go out-

Hey maybe I can take myself out sometime. Yeah, that'll be fun. I keep getting...busy? Forgettfull? Sidetracked. Yeah I keep getting sidetracked.

Okay, things to remember for the morning: 1)Wake up, 2) Put make up & bed sheets on shopping list, 3) Look up something to do by myself; something not in my home!

I'm getting a bit more drowsier. My thoughts lessen a bit. But not enough.

I should try and pick-up my hobbies again. I'm sure I can make time for them. Get off my phone some.

What the hell do I even do on my damn phone? Fuck all. I hate that stupid thing. But I don't hate listening to music. That's for sure.

I should try a new audiobook. Yeah that's a good idea. All I do is relisten to "Battle Royale" and "We need to talk about Kevin". I'll ask my desk mate for a book rec tomorrow. I think she's in a book club.

A thunder crack jolts me. Never realized I had dozed off.

Today. Hm all I did was visit Mom today. I guess I'll do the same next Sunday. Should I go for Saturday to? Nah, it'll probably be a waste of my time. We don't talk any.

Oh that's right! I think I gotta pick up her meds. Almost forgot that. That'll go on my shopping list too.

4 things to remember now.

I hope I don't dream tonight. I want a few nice hours of forgetting I exist. If only I could sleep.

That's something to bring up to my psychiatrist. I'm having a harder time falling asleep. Staying asleep? Fine.

When's my psychiatrist appointment again? Oh jeez, I've gotta check. I'm getting too forgetful lately.

5 things to remember.

Lightning. No thunder. Even with my blinds shut and eyes closed I can see it. God I wish everything could be shut out.

Why aren't my goddamn meds working? This stupid shit is supposed to help me relax; especially at night! I am supposed to be calm, goddamnit!

If I can't relax now, how can I be relaxed during the day? How can I focus? My whole life's already in the gutter. These damn meds are supposed to help me get out!

Relax, I need to relax. If I work myself up, I'll never go to sleep. Okay, think: If these meds don't work I'm sure I can switch to a different prescription. Yeah, yeah that's right. And the next prescription will work. I'll be more calm and more focused and I'll finally start sleeping better.

And then I can finally start improving my shit life. Should I not think like that though? Maybe I should start thinking that my life is good, and then it'll be good.

Oh no, my life will never be good. I don't have enough time! I haven't done anything now and nothing will ever get done! I don't even know where to start. Have I already begun?

Wait, wait, wait; I'm working myself up again. I have plenty of time. More than a lot of people. More than my mother.

Listen to the rain: I'll get on meds that'll work, I'll start my hobbies up again, I'll get a damn promotion, and somewhere in all of this I'll fall to sleep straight away.

Meds. Hobbies. Promotion. Do I want a promotion?

Meds. Hobbies. Definitely a promotion.

Meds. Hobbies or 1 hobby? Let's circle back to this later. Still a promotion.

Meds. Hobbies? Promotion.

Meds...Hobbies...rain...Promotion

Meds...some distant thunder...hobbies...I can barely hear the rain now....Promotion

Meds...Hobbies...What was I thinking?