Promising

Chapter 2-A day in the office

The rain has stopped. I was thinking of something last night. I had something to remember.

Oh thats right; a few more things to add to my shopping list. And I need to check when my next psychiatrist appointment is.

What time is it anyway? 7:38! Oh shit, I slept thru my alarms again. This is not a good look for my first day back in the office. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Mornings are never smooth for me. My skin rejects the cold and my eyes hate the sunlight. Nothing promising to look forward to; nothing promising to return to.

I wish I could say that morning routines are a blur. Everything to do feels heavy and I constantly wonder aloud, "How does the world function?"

I look at my face while brushing my teeth (a task I am embarrassed to admit to myself I do have to remind myself to do). I don't look too different from others. I'm not too ugly, not too pretty. Just mediocre. If I could drag myself out of bed earlier, then prepping myself to look better would be easy.

It's just...why do I...I don't know.  But I do know. It's the one thing I don't need a reminder for.

I need to stay on task. No more time to think. Its already 7:45. I need to leave ASAP. No time for breakfast; I'll just go to the bathroom & throw something onto wear. I can probably make it out the door by 8-8:05.

—————

As expected, my deskmate arrived before me and already in her first meeting for the day. I said a quiet 'Good Morning' and sat my stuff down at my window desk. I feel kinda guilty taking one of the only few window spots in our office, especially because I have not been coming in frequent enough as some others.

Taking a sip of her coffee (she has 3 cups a day) and then smiling, she whispered back, "Hey, good to see you! How are you feeling? Was the drive too bad?"

"No, it was the same old."

After rolling her eyes, she groaned out, "Stop it, Wendy. You know what I mean. Did it strain you too bad or mess with your stitches?"

"No, no. If it was going to mess with my stitches, my doctors would've written me another excuse to work from home. They're pretty much healed; no need to worry about them popping. Instead of pestering me, shouldn't you be paying attention to your meeting?"

"I'm can do two things at once! And shut up, you know I'm not pestering you."

I cracked a smile. Viv was right; I enjoy her checking up on me. Even though Viv and I started here around the same time 2 years ago, I am hesitant to say that we are friends. Its like being in this weird limbo of adult relationships: Are we friends without ever needing to say it? What counts as more than co-workers?

I continued to set up my laptops for the day. Even though my drive in went fine, I wasn't sure how the rest of the day would go. Sure, I had already been working from home for most of the last few months. But it still felt daunting to be away from home for the first time in awhile.

——————

A few hours later, my manager, Mr.Manager, finally popped up from his desk to greet me.

"Hey Wendy, how are you feeling?"

"Better" I responded. "I'm glad my doctors approved me to come back into the office. Home was getting a little bit stuffy."

"Well, we're all glad you're back here. I almost stole your window seat while you were gone!"

Chuckling, I replied back, "Should've asked me! I would've given it to you! I felt bad that it was sitting here empty!"

"It would've been great for days when I was dealing with our client non-stop. A nice window view would've calmed my nerves. He just keeps giving us more work and no time extensions. I asked the higher ups but even they can't reasoning with them."

"Well dang, we wouldn't be so overwhelmed if Viv hadn't abandoned us."

Viv, shocked and appalled at my blatant accusation, shot back,"First off: I'm not the one that said we should keep this client-"

Mr.Manager and I interjected that we hadn't either. Viv continued, "And second: I did not abandon y'all: I was asked to join one of the other teams and I said yes because your client scares me."

"Anyways" Mr.Manager began, "I am hoping our higher ups allow someone else to join our team. I was thinking one of the interns or maybe they'd just higher a new person."

I shrugged my shoulders. We've been asking for a new teammate for awhile now and no such luck. Besides Mr.Manager and I, there are two other guys. While our workload is high, manageable in my opinion, I don't know if a fifth person would solve our issues.

"We have a call at 3 today Wendy. So don't be at lunch then." I saluted him and send, "Yessir! I won't miss a thing." But I'll totally zone out during the whole thing. These meetings rarely include me needing to speak (or even pay attention). What was I needing to do to get a promotion again?

—————

During lunch I like to either go on a walk or take a nap at my car. Why should I waste time eating when I can eat at my desk anytime? After my surgeries, I still have trouble walking, even walking to the office bathroom is a big deal, so I just shuffle on down to my car this day to take a nap.

No one in the elevator on my way down. In the building lobby, I make my way past the security desk and out the lobby doors. Its nice, spring weather. Today's not too hot, mid 80s, and I just think it sucks that I can't take a damn walk.

Outside I see a few other people. They're talking. And I start to feel kinda down. I can talk to Viv and my other non-work friend sometimes, but I still feel empty in my daily life when it comes to relationships. I don't know what I'd wish to change, but I do wish for a change.