Okay, I am going to write anything that comes to my mind,
I don't know how to explain but this healing part is as difficult as the lowest part of my life,
I have became stronger and have stepped outside of a people pleaser mindset (maybe) but I still feel the guilt to choose myself over people
I don't understand where did I go wrong? But saying this that "I don't deserve this treatment" feels egoistic even now,
I don't understand how can someone just walk out of my life with attitude even after knowing they are wrong?
I don't understand how can people scream/yell at me after doing me wrong for an year continuously and when I take my stand, I became a "bad friend" so quickly?
I don't understand how the person who themselves hasn't even realised what I have done for them and hasn't even appreciated me (because To me, appreciate matters atleast at this point of life) can tell me that other friends did wrong and they will never realised it?
I don't understand when I going to heal?
I want to know when I'll be able to listen to the music that I used to listen to in my "lowest" phase normally and rather than crying over it, I would be telling the song "see man, I won"
I never realised when all those hurt quotes on my insta feed started to feel so connected and real to me that I end up liking so many of them,
I hate when my mind tells me you overreacted and then feel good when reels say that if something hurts you, it hurts you
It ain't overreacting
And then I again Gaslight myself saying
"Insta doesn't know what actually happened"
I hate when I remember the times when I actually didn't knew I was giving in too much because "I made friends for the first time that I threw away my boundaries aside" ONLY to hear a "Why do I change myself for you" from people
Like "adjust?"
That's what friends should do to slightest as we belong from different regions, so a little bit of adjust?
I still feel that hurtful feeling remembering how my one friend "fake-talked" that I had bitchy attitude and back bitch to get some information out of my "another friend" and then he had the attitude that he could leave me saying "BYE" when I take action?
But then I hate myself even more, when I remember how they came to apologise and I LOSE ALL MY GRUDGES TOWARDS THEM!!(Chill, I didn't forgive them, I would never)
Like are you dumb sissy(calling myself)?
Because of him, your other friend thought that you talked shit about her and in misunderstandings, Your friendship came to a forever breakage and you lose all grudges for him!!!!??????!!!!???
Am I stupid or just too unaffected??
Because I should be affected man!!!
What the fuck am I doing with my life brother!!!
Where is your self respect sissyyyyy!!!
Where is your prioritising yourself sissyyy!!!
OH MY GOD!!???!!!
I'm shocked by what kinda creature I am
Ufff, Either I am gonna end myself or this fucking people pleaser or maybe naive I say, mindset whatever shit is gonna end me
Stay tuned to see<3
(I'm frustrated man)
