𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐈 - 𝐦.𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐒

summary: y/n and mason are so in love but everything gets in the way
genre: angst
warnings: hate, negative body image, grief as a result of death

heavy shit hope you're ready for it

- 💌 -

there is no one in the world i love more than mason.

he came into my life when i needed him most and he picked me up in my darkest moments. he's the light of my life; i don't know where i'd be without him. he's so sweet and he treats me so well and he's so unproblematic, so easy to just be with and talk to.

it's everything else that's the problem.

like the comments on my instagram that make me hate everything about myself.

"she's so fat"

"eat something, god"

"does she even have a personality?"

"she's so annoying"

"you're not even funny make an original joke fr"

"oh my god that joke she said at 1:26 was so offensive! what's wrong with her?"

"kill yourself"

"the acne is not giving"

"so problematic shut up"

the list goes on and on and on. i cannot win. and it's not like i even know who they are but they still hurt me with every fucking word they type. do people not understand i'm a person too? it's my feeling getting hurt. the thing is it's probably all guys who think they're funny.

i hate boys.

and i didn't feel whole after reading them.

and then mason lost his grandma who he literally idolised more than anyone in the world. she taught him everything, she took him to every dance class, she watched every self-tape before he sent it off, she helped him through every fight and panic attack and assignment and project. she taught him about love and hope and rejection and every moral he has came from her.

what's worse is that he was working when he first got a call from his mum. she rang maybe ten times before she stopped trying. then when he finished filming he called her back and he got the news. when he hung up the phone he called me. i've never driven faster in my life. i remember how he sat there and cried into my neck until my t-shirt was soaked with his tears.

the flight to arizona was long and silent and heartbreaking. to see him grieving hurt my heart and i just wanted to console him and help him and never let him go. the funeral was worse. i remember the way he held my hand tightly as tears poured from his eyes like raindrops fall to the ground. i held him as he cried again in the bathrooms he'd run off to in order to get away from the memorial afterwards.

he wasn't the same after she passed.

so one night, as i stood in front of the mirror once again, holding the too-fat/too-skinny flesh on my stomach and watching as i let go and the skin sunk right back into place. watching as it fell over my bones but not quite in the right way. watching my face change as i realised i hated myself. i looked at the spots on my face and cried, loud sobs falling from my mouth.

mason ran in and immediately hugged me, but when he started crying i knew it was because of his grandma. i knew it wasn't because i was thinking of myself this way or because i really spoke about myself in a shitty way. i just knew. and i know it's selfish, but i wished just for that moment that we were both crying about me. i wanted him to see i was hurt too, but he didn't.

he didn't like when i brought that up to him. "OH I JUST WON'T GRIEVE OVER MY DEAD GRANDMOTHER SHALL I?" he had screamed at me.

and then suddenly that's how every fight started. both of us somehow competing to be the most hurt. we were only hurting ourselves more.

that's what i tell myself anyway.

when mason sat me down that day, i knew why. i knew what this conversation was going to be. and although i wasn't ready for it, i knew what he was about to say would be right. "i think we should break up, or maybe just spend some time apart." he had said.

"we're only hurting each other more." i had reasoned.

and then just like that, we were over. the person i loved more than anything else in the world was gone. in the end we tried to help each other, but it just made things worse.

some things just aren't meant to be fixed.

and even though i still stand by what i said, that i hate boys,

i can't hate him.

- 💌 -

sorry if this is triggering for anyone but i needed a little angst chapter to release some shit from this week 😜😜

WATCHED ROUGH NIGHT, THAT'S MY BOY AND SIERRA BURGES IS A LOSER TODAY WATCH THEM ALL I REVOMMEND

posting this rn while i'm in acting class and when i get home i'll finish WITH LOVE xx

please feel free to request i love writing requests so much!!!

thank you for reading i love you so so much!!

"maybe we broke into a thousand pieces so that we'd fit better together💗"
nica - the tearsmith