The Way Of Life

TW!
171:
I died a long time ago,
The house I am supposed to call home acts as a grave,
My soul is still there haunting my room in hopes someone will finally set that young girl free,
But I fear that that will never happen,
I will never hear an apology from any of my family members,
Which is why I am still holding on to all this pain and trauma.
-Nex

172:
The problem with our love is that it is killing me,
You are killing me,
But I am so in love with you that I will let you destroy me,
And when you are done with me,
I will watch you move on to your next target.
I feel like that is the only love I deserve,
One that doesn't last but utterly destroys me.
I built this throne for you,
I hold you so high and you welcome everything I have to offer,
Like you are entitled to own it all.
I know what you are doing but I still let you because I fear that this is the last time someone will show me just a glimpse of their love,
So I let you use me and kill me for those small moments in wich I feel loved.
-Nex

173:
I am so tired of being the only one who puts effort into this relationship,
I am giving you my all and what am I getting back?
Nothin!
If I am not the one to text you we wouldn't be talking for multiple fucking days.
I have tried everything with you,
But if you don't start showing some interest again and putting in some fucking effort
I am gone,
This is last time I am asking you to put on your list of priorities,
I don't want to come first but at least make me feel like I mean something to you.
-Nex

TW!
174:
My life is a written tragedy,
I am not someone who has a happy ending,
I don't even think that I am supposed to live this long,
Ever time I think I'm gonna get lucky something happens and everything good that I had slips out of my hands,
I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like a character that is only meant to fill in a gap.
I will forever be alone,
It will always look like I have friends but in reality they are just with me when no one else has time for them.
It is my destiny to be the temporary replacement just waiting to be tossed away again as soon as the main characters have time again.
-Nex

175: for my dearest friend Celine <3
There is nothing purer and stronger than a poets love,
They will always show you with their words how much they love and appreciate you,
They can capture your beauty in words like no one else can,
Poems are like a direct link from their hearts to yours,
Poems are such vulnerable things so when someone writes one for you,
Hold it close and never forget it.
So without further ado:
She is as refreshing as a cold glass of water on a hot summer day,
She smells as sweet as tulips,
Her laugh makes me so happy as if I were running through a filed of sunflowers as the sun sets,
She is the sweetest human I have ever met,
She makes me so happy,
Her love lifts me up like nothing else ever could,
She feels like a nice rainy autumn day when you sit at your window with a book and a cup of coffee and life couldn't be any better.
I love you!
-Nex

176:
Why is it that I had to grow up in order for my father to act like a dad,
Where were you when I needed you to be my dad?
why were you never there for me?
What changed that you now suddenly want to be an active part of my life and not just stand on the sidelines
Am I now suddenly worthy of your presence?
I know you still don't love me and I know you never will
But what are you doing?
I don't want you in my life anymore and I surely don't need you anymore.
Did you even want to have kids?
Is this why you are suddenly a part of my life because I am an adult now and you finally know what to do with me?
I don't recognise who you are anymore.
I am so confused whether you have always been like this and I was just to angry to see or are you just becoming like this now for some reason
I don't know what to believe anymore.
I want to ask you all those questions but I am top afraid of the truth
Will you ever tell me why you treated me like this?
-Nex

177:
I am a naive lamb looking for love in a slaughterhouse.
I feel like to love means to suffer.
I will do whatever it takes just to see people happy,
Even if it kills me.
-Nex

178:the anger of generations fuels me
There is so much anger inside of me and one day I will break and all that anger will be unleashed,
My anger is eating me alive and I am certain that no one will survive me once my anger takes over.
I will become so cruel and brutal.
There is no stopping this,
I have the anger of generations flowing through my veins and it is fuelling me on like gasoline fuels a fire.
I will burn,
And you all will burn with me.
I am in every cell of my body just like my father.
But at the same time I am everything he will never be and is so affraid of,
I am a powerful angry woman.
"Crown the witch"
-Nex

179:
The past will forever control me
-Nex

180:written 3 days before my birthday
I have always hated my birthday,
I don't even know why,
But this year I feel like people will forget my birthday,
And that just adds to the feeling of being so alone and that no one really cares about me.
I guess we'll see what happens,
I mean I can't even blame them I would forget me too,
I mean who am I anyway
-Nex

TW!
181:
My lungs are filling with water,
It burns and stings but it also feels good.
I close my eyes and take another breath,
Panic floods my brain,
But I don't try to swim up to the surface, to safety.
I slowly sink to the ground,
And accept my fate.
-Nex

182:
Do not tell me that you love me,
When you can't even hear me,
My voice doesn't even register in your brain does it?
You don't understand the meaning behind my words,
You can't even begin to comprehend everything that I am.
Do not tell me you love me,
When you can't even see me,
You look right through me as if I am not worthy of your attention.
Do not tell me you love me,
When all I am to you is a toy,
A toy you toss around however you like.
-Nex

TW!
183:
Death is an old friend of mine,
He offers me his hand,
Like so many times before,
I take it,
I often do,
But I never follow him to the end,
Only ever halfway or so.
He is great company,
But we both know that it is not my time yet.
-Nex

184:update to poem 180
I was not forgotten,
But today didn't feel like my birthday either.
It was a wierd day,
I Don't think I will ever go on vacation over my birthday again.
I may not like my birthday,
But it felt so wierd and kind of wrong not celebrating with friends and family.
-Nex