A Journey Through Time

Chapter 71 - Money

For a long time I've been trying to figure out ways to pursue my own desires and not make everything about money, but it always ends up being about money.

Yes my family has struggled way more in the past, but money is still a struggle now. My whole life, there were always arguments about money, and all I wanted to do was fix that problem.

I do want to have a career that's fulfilling. I want to enjoy my life and make it my own. But it's not my own. Literally if I was making a six figure income right now, my family wouldn't have to worry anymore, or at least not as much as they do now. I feel my family's pain. I've felt for as long as I've been alive. And from outside view, it may seem like me and my family are fine. But maintaining our "fine" life is still a stressor.

I graduated from an esteemed college and I'm barely making half of a six figure income, and really less if you take out taxes. It's easy to feel like a disappointment and to feel useless. You're whole life you work up to be the superhero only to have nothing to show for it. My money may make some difference, but if there's still struggle, then clearly what I'm making is nothing.

At first I was thinking of doing consulting because of the intellectual stimulation, the impact, the exit opportunities, and the money. But then I drew away from it because of how stressful it could be. I just came from a stressful situation in college and I don't want to voluntarily bring more stress, long hours, and burnout into my life. I like having a job that is virtually stress free. All I have to do is get the work done. But I also miss the stimulation and I want to grow.

I mean it's foolish though, to think a kid with basically limited to no experience will come out already making six figures. That wasn't even a dream for me when I graduated. I just wanted to have a job I liked. When I took it I knew the pay was subpar. But it was a good cause, and there was literally no reason to say no.

I don't want to get a job just because of the pay. I don't want to limit myself to that, but I just want to alleviate the stress I have constantly seen. I just wanna fix things. But I can't because I'm just a kid. And I've said this so many times and the fact that I'm still saying it makes me feel even worse. I want to fix things but I'm just a kid.

I don't know what to do. The roles I eventually landed on after doing the career book exercise were not really vertical. I wouldn't be doing any major advancement, but I picked roles that I know fit my career level at this time. Management consulting would be kind of my level. I could technically get in since no experience is really required, but it would take a lot of preparation. Almost like getting into college. And I'm competing with students who start as undergrads. I would be an "experienced" higher which has its own sets of challenges.

I don't know what else would fix things and alleviate the stress of holding together what would appear to be a well functioning, stable home. Getting to where we are took a lot. But staying here is also a lot and I'm just tired of seeing my family stressed. I want to live my own life, but there's always moments that remind me that I just can't. I can't pursue my own things, I can't go after my own desires. Everything I do has to be with my family in mind. I mean we are all basically relying on each other.

The other thing is that I don't wanna just "leave" where I'm working at right now. I was planning on staying another year before eventually finding a better opportunity. But we could be moving this year. I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel powerless, I hate just watching a problem happen and not being able to do anything about it. The (constant) stress about money has been a real problem that I've been just painfully watching happen for my whole life. I'm tired of watching it, I just wanna see a life where we're getting our work done and enjoying it fully. It's hard to enjoy something that you constantly worry about.

It's hard to be at home and not think about a looming crisis or fate. It's too many things at stake to just sit around. But then again, I'm in the painful position where I simply can't. I can't just make six figures over night. I have to be realistic about what I can achieve. Even if I get a consultant role, I'm not going to doing it for that long. I would still need a plan on what to afterwards. The fastest way I know how to get more money is by getting a higher paying job, but those are usually reserved for people with more experience than me. I get the $40-$60k jobs. I may see a few over that but most of the time they need more experience or specific set of skills I don't have or would need to do training to acquire.

I can't just stand around but what else am I suppose to do.