Embers from the Ashes

Essay.

It was like a train. I saw all the warnings. The flashing lights and the signs; yet I chose to ignore them as I crossed those tracks. I'm not talking literally, rather I'm talking metaphorically.

I crossed the tracks as the train of self hate and depression came barreling towards me.

And before I knew it, I found myself dreading the days.

A lot of issues around my world brought on this sadness.

School.
Friends.
Drama.
College applications.

It seemed to me that the small things in life hit me the hardest and shot me down.

What shot me down the most was how I saw myself.. How when I looked in the mirror I was disgusted with what I saw. I hated my body. I despised it. I wanted to hide in a cave.. And never come out until I looked like the popular girls ..

My self-image went low. I hit a new low with that. It got to the point of where I would cry to myself.

As you're reading this you probably are feeling pity for me, I would have felt pity for myself too.

As school went on and the days passed, I found myself getting anxious. Anxious for a numerous of reasons. 1) College acceptances were going out soon. 2) I was getting closer and closer to graduating. 3) I was about I start a new chapter in my life without my friends besides me..

The first major blow came from Long Beach State (a.k.a. my dream school). I remember the night as clear as day (ohh the irony). I was getting pizza with my friend. It was a very light hearted atmosphere and for once in a very long while, I felt at ease. I Remember how my phone vibrated. It wasn't a text, rather an email. I opened Yahoo mail and my heart skipped a beat. I remember telling my friend that it's from Long Beach. He congratulated me before I even opened it. I was smiling and felt as if I was on top of the world.

I opened the email and with a single sentence my world came crashing down. All of a sudden I couldn't breath or focus. The dreaded words high schoolers expect "We have revised your application and cannot accept you".

I remember excusing myself politely. Then ran to the back of the building. I couldn't take it anymore. I cried.

I cried in the alleyway of our city's pizza parlor. And I remember how much of a disappointment I was. I let myself down.

I remember having my mom pick me up and I cried. I did nothing but cry and lay in bed. I couldn't face the reality of my biggest dream not coming true .. I remember the pain.

The second biggest blow came in two parts.

Part One.
My best friends. We've know each other forever. We tell each other everything. We laugh. We fight. We hug. We joke. We were basically a married group. We all knew this day would come. That one day we'd graduate together. But we never really thought it would affect us.

June 2015. The night of graduation. We're walking down the line. We have diplomas in our hands and each others arms linked. Were lined up. Facing the crowd. We throw our caps in the air. We are official graduates.

I look over at them and we start crying. We know that our high school days are over ..

Part Two.
Out of the seven of us, three are going away for college. It's graduation and we all realize this. The heartbreak we feel in unbearable. We are crying infront of our community. But we didn't care at the time. All we cared about was that moment in time as See You Again played in the background.

All this lead to my depression. Depression is a sick monster that kills you from within. It's unbearable and beyond comprehension. Through out my depression I kept asking myself "why is life so hard" and "would it be easier if I was gone.."

All these questions and thoughts and struggles broke me down.

But I'm here to tell you it gets better. And that after you're torn down, you can only go back up.

Although I may not be going to a 4-year university, I am still going to get a higher education and pursue my dream as becoming a counseling psychologist.

Throughout my depression, I felt as if I had no one to talk to. As if the world had turned it's back on me. I felt so alone. I needed someone and no one was there.

I won't wish that torture upon anyone. Being left alone with your thoughts is a journey to hell ..

I want to impact those who went through something similar to what I went through.

I want to shine as a light to those who are surrounding my darkness.

I want to be able to be there for someone who needs it.

I want to help others.

I was put in this world to help those in need. Whether their problems may be big or small, I still want to help.

Going through that dark time in life made me realize we need more hopeful people around.

Going to school to study and make a profession out of what I deeply care about will be my ultimate life goal.

Helping someone in need shouldn't make the other person feel like a burden, rather it should lift a burden off their chest.

We may want to think we are alone in this world, rather we're not.

There are 7+ billion people in this world. 7+ billion people just experienced this day in a variety of ways.

I want to be part of the uprising that help those who feel too deeply.

I want to be part of the uprising that help those who don't feel at all.

Through my own darkness I saw hope.

Though your darkness, I want to give hope.

I want to help.

I'm Leesa Bocanegra, the girl who saw the embers in the ashes