Chaos (Carl Grimes)

As Ever Before

      I cuddled Kali in bed as she was napping.
      She was alive.
      She was alive and Carol was alive.
      She was alive, Carol was alive and we were rescued.
      She was alive, Carol was alive, we were rescued, but Daryl left and my parents are arguing and Rick is breaking and I don't know to do.
      We were alone.
      Kali and I are alone again.
      I buried my head into her back and let the tears run down my face. I took deep slow breaths so I don't have a panic attack again.
Ten minutes later, I wiped my tears and walked out the cell. Carl was sitting on the stairs and I sat next to him. He kissed the side of my head.
"I'm sorry. You are old enough to take care of yourself. You had my back these past few months for then anyone else. I should have asked you to come with me. Maybe I wouldn't have freaked out as bad as I did if I was with you." I kept looking at the wall in front of us.
If he saw how puffy my face is he would accept my apology. I don't want him to accept my apology because he felt bad. I wanted him to do because he wanted to. Not because I was kidnapped either.
"Emmy. I get it. I'm not mad at you okay?" He said before kissing the side of my head again before he turned my face to his.
"I shouldn't treated you like that. I really shouldn't-." I started but he kissed me softly before I could finish my sentence. It reminded me of our first kiss.
Hesitant and soft but so much love was there. It made everything in me sing. I cracked a bit of a smile even.
He held my face in his hands when he pulled away. I chased him before he pulled away a bit further and looked me in my eye. "Are you okay? Like actually okay? Don't sugarcoat it if you're not, alright?"
"I-I-I don't know yet. I'm happy to be safe and that Kali is safe but if I dwell on what happened. We still lost so many people including your mom. The fact that Daryl left us. What he tried to do to us and what his awful plan was. I can't even go to Glenn and Maggie about it. They're not talking to each other and they're treating me like I'm a ghost. I don't know what to do. I don't. I'm sorry." I said before he kissed me again and pulled away.
"Stop overthinking everything. It's going to be okay. Things always works out for us in the end one way or the other. We'll make it through whatever gonna happen next. Whatever you need, I'll be right here next to you. Always." He kissed the top of my head again before he got up and reached his hand out for me. "Let's go."
I took his hand and followed him to the cafeteria. Mostly everyone was in there. It was tense and there was a sense of hopelessness in the air.
Or maybe I could be projecting because of how I felt.
"Carl I have a question for you." Glenn said going over to him and setting down a map in front of him. "Where did you find Tyrese and the rest of the group?"
"Over here. By the gyms while they were fighting a bunch of new walkers."
"Why do you ask? Where's Rick?" I asked and Glenn just shook his head at me. He was hyper focused on the map, looking for the place Carl just mentioned.
He was still moving around stiffly. He wasn't swollen though which was impressive considering we didn't have ice.
      "You said you found Tyrese's group here?" He pointed on the map and Carl nodded. "Yeah.
      "We secured this." He pointed at it angrily and I gripped Carl's hand tight. He rubbed his thumb in circles and I eventually loosened my grip on him.
      "He thought he came through here." Carl pointed at another space but that made him angrier but his time softened.
      "That means there's another breach. The whole front of the prison is unsecured. If walkers just strolled in, then it's gonna be cake for a group of armed men." He explained and he looked up at me.
      "Why are we even so sure he's gonna attack? Maybe you scared him off." Beth asked and I wanted to laugh at his innocent she seemed. How innocent she still is after all this time.
      "He was going to kill Glenn and Maggie but keep me. Basically talking about brainwashing me so he can take this prison."
      "He would've their heads in fish tanks. All of your heads. He kept them as trophies. Walkers and humans. He's coming." Michonne added and I looked back at Glenn.
      "We should hit him now." He confirmed.
      "What?"
      "He won't be expecting it. We'll sneak back in and put a bullet in his head."
      "We're not assassins." Carol remarked.
He ignored her and returned his attention bavk over to Michonne. "You know where his apartment is. We can end this tonight. I'll do it myself."
"He didn't know you were coming last time and look what happened. You were almost killed. Daryl was captured. Emari was threatened. And you and Maggie was almost executed." Hershel laid out the facts striaght for him.
As much as I wanted to kill the Governor, he made sense. We didn't have anything to back up anything after we killed him.
And best believe, they would strike back.
Hard too.
"You can't stop me." Glenn said stepping closer to Hershel. Face to face to him.
      I took a step forward but Carl held me back and shook his head. I looked over at Maggie and her face I imagined mirrored mine.
      What is he doing?
      Why is he doing this? He respected Hershel like a father and made sure we treated him with the upmost respect.
      Especially as him and Maggie got more serious.
"Rick would never allow this. You really think he's in position to make that choice."
"Think this through clearly. T-Dog lost his life here. Lori, too. The men that were here. It isn't worth any more killing. What are we waiting for? If he's really on his way, we should be out of here by now." Hershel was trying his best
      "And go where?"
      "We lived on the road all winter."
      "Back when you had two legs and we didn't have a baby crying for walkers every four hours." Glenn snapped and then took a deep breath.
      "We can't stay here." Hershel tried in a much calmer voice.
      "We can't run. All right. We'll stay put. We're gonna defend this place. We're making a stand. Carl, you and I would go down to the tombs. We need to figure out where the breach is." Glenn said, grabbing a couple of things.
      "You got it." Carl squeezed my hand three times and went to grab his gun.
      "You'll need some help." I said grabbing my knives that I left out here but Glenn just shook his head. "No, in case something happens. I need you out here." He said before looking around the room. "Who's on watch?" He asked his voice raising again.
      He let out a huff then left the room.
      "I'll go with Axel." Carol volunteered and her and Axel walked out. Maggie walked away and probably went to get some Kali therapy.
      I hope she hurries cause I need some more of my fix too.
      "I got him." Carl said kissing my cheek before following my supposed father figure into the rest of the dark prison.
      It was Michonne, Hershel, and I.
      "Hershel I'm so sorry." I started but he shook his head at me.
      "You should never apologize for something that isn't your fault." He said and put a hand on my shoulder. "And what happened the last couple days aren't your fault."
      "I know but."
      "But nothing. He needs to work on what happened to him out there. He needs to realize it isn't his fault either."
      "But he's so mad. I never seen him so mad before ever. Even with what happened in Atlanta. He was never this mad. And I feel bad because I should've done something other than being easy bait."
      Someone pulled me to them and to my surprise it wasn't Hershel but Michonne. "Listen to him, Emari.   You heard what Glenn said to Rick when he was moving the tree. He wasn't mad at you or Maggie. I think you're smart enough to figure out pretty quickly who he was mad at. It's not just the Governor either."
      "Himself?" She nod and I felt my heart shatter.
When it was him in that room by himself, he held out and didn't tell Merle anything but as soon as Maggie and I were in trouble he gave in.
He gave in because he couldn't lose us and he couldn't do enough to protect us.
      "I think I'm gonna go look for Rick." I mumbled before walking out the room and no one protested as I made my way out.

      Glenn left to go do something. He was by himself and I hope he wasn't going to go to execute the Governor. I don't want him to die.
      I saw Hershel hobble down to Rick and talk to him about something. His shoulders tensing more and more. It was getting worse in the prison.
      I couldn't stay there.
      I feel like throwing up every time I saw the looks of pity across everyone's face. The fact that Carl was the one comforting me and checking on me when it should be the opposite way around.
      His mother died. He put her down and I didn't even say that I'm sorry. I haven't even paid my respects to her grave because I was too much in my own head.
      What's wrong with me?
      I went back inside the guard tower and made myself a bed for the night. As much as I felt bad for everything that happened I can't go in there right now.
      Just a night away. One night just to gather my thoughts.
      I can hear some people talking as I laid down. A bit of laughter going around. I'm glad not everybody is as miserable as I am right now.
      Just go to sleep Emari.
      Everything will be fine in the morning.
      Closing my eyes, I wrapped myself in a blanket and hummed softly to sleep. Humming the same song that I hum for Kali every night in the beginning.
      I haven't done that recently.
      Maybe I should start again.
Yeah I should. She deserves it after all.
That sounds like a good plan.
My eyes got heavier and heavier as I slowly drifted off to sleep.
Until I heard a gunshot go off.
Not again.
I threw off the blankets and as I ran down go the front entrance. Taking out a couple of knives as I got out but a billet whizzed past my ear.
I quickly went back in and plastered myself to the wall. I ran up back to the stairs and peeked out the window, on my knees.
      Four cars filled with men were shooting at us. I couldn't see clearly who it was, but it wasn't hard to guess. The Governor.
      He came for us after all.
      Looking at the field, I saw Hershel down there and Michonne. Rick was on the other side of the field, getting a shot at too. They had men in the woods.
      I saw the others returning fire but I didn't bring a gun with me. I just had to watch.
      I saw that we didn't kill anyone.
      In the distance, we heard a car speeding towards us. It has to be Glenn. It has to be. At least I hope it is.
      The men didn't  look scared, though they stop shooting at us. I was going to run down the stairs but that's when I saw the truck crash into the gate.
      Fuck.
      It stopped in the middle of the field, but the man didn't come in. What are they doing?
      Everything stood still for a second. Then the back of the truck opened and walkers came out. A dozen of them at least. The guy who was driving, ran out and shot at Michonne. He had some type of protection suit on.
      As soon as he left, I ran down to the gate and Carl let me in. He gave me a look but then handed me a gun. Together we walked out the gate and shot any walker coming our way. Trying our hardest to get over to Hershel and Michonne.
      Glenn pulled into camp as they left. Michonne and him were on their way to get Hershel. Carl got behind me and led me back into the gate while I defended our retreat.
      As soon as we was back in, he turned me around and looked at me. "What were you doing?"
      "I was just sleeping."
      He didn't say anything. He opened the gate again for Glenn. Kali walked out at the same time and was tearing up. She heard the shots. Fuck.
      She ran to me and I picked her up, kissing the top of her head.
      How could I forget about her? She was the only reason I survived Atlanta in the first place and I was going to leave her all alone. Even if it was for tonight that was ridiculous.
      Maggie joined in and then Glenn. We held each other as close as ever before.