A Court of Storms and Stars

Chapter 34

The door to his office opens as I knock on it, having not been latched fully. The interior is dark, only a single faelight flickering in the corner. Azriel is standing behind his organized desk, looking at some papers as I step inside. He smiles when he sees me. "Hello, love. I was just thinking about you." 

I glance to the papers in his hand and he places them on the desk, neatly stacking them on others. "Is everything okay?" he asks and I feel the worried poke of his mind against mine. I don't shove him away, but I don't let him in either. 

"I needed to talk to you about something. Are you busy?" I fiddle with the hem of my leathers, still dressed from training. 

He shakes his head and comes around the desk. "I can always make time for you." I let him wrap his arms around me, his wings following suit in a comforting embrace. 

I stand there for a moment, listening to the beat of his heart and the breath in his lungs. I soak in the scent of him with a deep breath before pulling away from him and closing the door. A worried crease forms over his brows when I engulf us in magic so that no prying ears and hear us. 

Gesturing to the deep blue couch on the east side of the office, I say, "Let's sit." We do, and I tell him everything, filling in the gaps of what he knew before and correcting all the lies I told. 

He is tracing the mark on my wrist when I finish, his expression neutral. He is quiet long enough that nausea sets in, making me wonder if I should have said anything. Then I scoff at my thoughts. What I did was right. Telling him was right. 

For centuries, i have only ever relied on myself. There wasn't someone that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. No one to help me fight my demons. Other than being the daughter of the village chief all those years ago, I have never allowed myself to align with another faction or leadership. I think, after all that has happened, that is was a bit of cowardice that made me stay away. Away from my people and away from the war that was waged for the freedom of the humans. 

I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to have only myself for company and to not have a place to return to and call home. 

I don't want to be a coward anymore. 

After weeks of no connection from the Cauldron, I feel its icy claws. 

And I shove it away, building a new mental shield to protect myself from its influence. It starts to hiss, but I don't sense it long enough to know just how angry it is. 

Azriel's hand gently lifts my chin so that I am looking at him. At his breathtakingly beautiful eyes. "For as long as I am alive, you will not have to fear being alone. You are my mate and I am yours. I would traverse the world if we had to, in order to find a place that is home. So long as we are together."

I can't help the tears that well in my eyes. Not at his loving sentiment. He swipes at a tear, then rests his forehead against mine. "We will figure this out, together."

"Thank you," I say through a trembling whisper. "I love you, Azriel."

"I love you too, Canna." He kisses my nose. "All parts of you."

"And I, you." No sooner do the words leave my mouth am I pressing my lips against his. The kiss is firm, coming from a primal love hidden deep within our bodies. It feels like our souls are mingling. 

I feel the ghost of something touch my arm and I break away, looking down. Azriel's shadows are caressing me, though not exactly where I felt the touch. 

"Do you feel them?" he asks, hopeful. 

I stare at the wisps of darkness. They swirl, almost in a somber dance, across my skin. As if they are searching for my own shadows. "I don't," I say with a deep sadness. "I thought that I did."

He traces my chin with his thumb. "We will get your shadows back."

I sink into his touch, his words. I don't hold the hope that he does, but I nod nonetheless. 

We sit there in silent companionship for a while. The sun sets behind the horizon when we finally move, deciding that we will tell Rhysand together of the true nature of my recent bargain with the Cauldron. 

As the two of us walk through the halls, our hands melded together perfectly, my resolve strengthens. 

And for the first time in centuries, I feel like I am finally learning what home feels like.