HAVEN BRIAR always denied fate. She tried with everything to deny the impossible, but of course fate still needed to run its course.
ARDAM TRAM lived in the walls of metal that never changed. He wanted something more than he could ever have. Even...
When my mother became who she was, emotions seemed to turn off in an instant. When my father died saving a patient's life my sympathy turned off. In every situation that god seemed to put me in I lost my humanity. Because being human means to feel anything at all. pain, sadness, anger, betrayal. I was supposed to feel sympathy for my dad, for dying what he thought was right. I was supposed to feel anger in my bones and blood for my mother giving up on herself and me. I was supposed to have a reaction, I was supposed to help and beg for my mother to come back to me. I was supposed to cry for my father when I was him get floated.
She was a grown woman and I was fourteen.
She lost me the moment she picked up that bottle.
Eventually my home stank of alcohol, my floors were covered in bottles and dried up vomit. It was the graveyard that my mother would soon die in. I found her in her bed gasping for air, and color draining from her face. I could see she was dying and I didn't care.
But I cared enough to want her to go in peace.
In that moment everything came rushing back to me, and I looked around what I'd let happen. I'd let my mother die. I left her to die in the battle of her grief and addiction. I left her to be in a place where she was not safe. I broke down, I fell to the floor not caring that alcohol spilled and stinging my cuts on my hands and knees. And I weeped.
I weeped from my father, my mother, my friends that I pushed away. My old habits of pushing and isolating myself told me it was the safest option. They disguised themselves as knights saving me, and they played part too well that I believed it to.
I pushed that away and my habits were telling me that feeling is a mistake, and there is nothing to do. I pushed that away and my old habits died screaming.
That moment is where I made a decision to at least help my mother for one last time. I decided that my mother deserved to die, but the least I could do was help her die in peace.
I was idiotic, stupid, I risked everything for a woman who didn't even like me.
But she is my mom and I like her. She is the woman who would bring me to the grand window to see earth. She would play with stuffed animals with me. She used to fuel the game of pretend. She helped me live and create a fantasy world.
So in the world of pretend I got up and made my way to the hospital wing.
I was my father's apprentice so walking through the door was easy.
Leaving was harder.
In the world of pretend I got out of the hospital wing unharmed, and walked calmly to my room. In the world of pretend my mother took the magical white substance and got better quickly. In the world of pretend my father stood by me and took my hand and held it tenderly. In the world of pretend my mother told me she loves me. In the world of pretend it wasn't mother or mom but mama. In the world of pretend, growing up wasn't mandatory and I would stay as I once was.
A beautiful young girl, instead of an ugly robot.
But I'm not playing pretend, and I wish I could tell you that everything went smoothly. But that stupid blonde guard got a glimpse of the bottle in my jacket. And if there was no violence then I wouldn't be afraid. But, of course there was and running seemed like the only option. Saving her was all I wanted to do. What a stupid joke This world wasn't made for self destroyers like my mother. This world was not sympathetic.
I remember the last corner I turned and the fate I have picked for myself.
And I find myself in the graveyard once again.
It was stupid to think I could get away with it. I felt like a big massive joke, someone to be made fun of. Come one, come all to see the great fall of Haven Briar! And I felt like the circus leader was showing me off to the hungry eyes of the people. I felt bare and naked, once I realized I failed.
I was my mother's safe place. I was supposed to be her refuge. I was supposed to be more than failure. I was supposed to bring my family together once again. I was a murderer, I was ignorant to my mother's severe pain. She was supposed to get better. She was supposed to walk again. And, I waited for her to get back on her feet and her mind out of the skies. I confess that I've waited a long time where the candle light faded and burned. She was supposed to get better, that's what all mothers do. The promises that they make at the birth of their child would never be broken. They sink into their heart and blood forever.
But why did my mother break hers?
A question I wonder here in this box.
But I fade away here.
With the circus laughing and pointing at me.
WORDS THAT WERE ENGRAVED UNDER THE FLOOR OF HER BED ON HER 100TH DAY IN THE SKY BOX
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