His Secret Recipe

There Was a Hole

It all started when we won a luxury cruise on the S.S Moissonneuse in a department store raffle. My family and I; mother, father, my two older sisters, and our dog. We weren't the wealthiest, my father was of low status and working as a police officer at the time. My mother was a full time nurse. When tickets were drawn we were all ecstatic to find that we'd won the cruise and could finally go on a family vacation without ending up broke afterwards.

So of course we took the opportunity. A happy family of six, boarding a boat one day. A big gorgeous boat; mopped, shined, and waxed to appeal to all the rich and notable personnel on board. There were influencers, celebrities, and some low profile VIPs as well; they all paid to be here. My sisters, they didn't like it one bit that we were the only broke family on the cruise. A valid thing to be upset about when every other kid your age is in Balenciaga and you're wearing a shirt your mother bought on sale at a grocery store. However, mom and dad, being all about family "morale" encouraged us to feel special because everyone else had to come out of pocket to board and not us.

This dilemma meant nothing to me. My discontentment wasn't sourced from envy. It was sourced from fear, as I, Vincent Finche Mackintosh, didn't know how to swim. Even worse; in my blind excitement I'd forgotten how deathly afraid of the sea I was. To say the least; Titanic had fucked me up.

That being said, I made a life jacket my new favorite accessory from the day we left the dock. And when I started avoided railings at all costs, and my parents took my innate weakness as an adorable expression of childlike melodrama.

I learned one thing from the S.S Moissonneuse; that fact being that I am always right. Even if my reasoning may seem overdramatic or extra, I am correct. My proof? There was a hole.

On the second day of our week long cruise, it was overheard from staff that a big gaping hole had been discovered in the keel of the ship. A large hole, which apparently scraped so egregiously against the jagged coast on shore, that the frame of the ship had become dangerously compromised.

The staff figured they had everything under wraps about this mysterious hole. They were not me, therefore, they were wrong. Because by dinner service, the majority of the guests had found out and begun to panic. Well, panicking in their own ways. The celebrities called up their own connections and fled back to shore on their private yachts, no dirt on their shoulders. Some of the really rich guests were able to be sailed back to shore in about a day or so. It was almost like second nature for the wealthy to have an easy out. And with each update on the hole, more and more guests evacuated by their own means. At least, those with the tools to.

Each day the boat seemed to get heavier as the bottom of the ship filled with water quicker and quicker. By day four, the cabins had begun to flood. And we all gathered at the top most deck of the cruise with blankets, floaties, life jackets, and whatever food we could salvage before the kitchens and concessions went under.

And by day six, it had become clear who was doomed to die at sea and who was privileged enough to breathe oxygen for another forty years or so. My family was not of that category. As well as all of the guests and staff who still remained on the ship.

My fear was no longer cute. It was real all of a sudden. Real to everyone who didn't think anything of it the first time I said we were screwed. And as much as I'd enjoy a good "I told you so", it wasn't the time.

On day seven, we moved out. With whatever equipment we had left at our disposal, we'd begun to swim to the closest island. Now, as you may recall, I didn't know how to swim. I was being dragged along in my life jacket by my father as he swam. The captain and staff lead the way as my family and the others followed, some drowning during the prolonged swim to the island. Sentimental passengers considered it honorable in some way to drag the cadavers along with us. A morbid excuse for pity, lugging dead bodies through the water; bringing with them a stench that I still remember to this day.