Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Stuck Here

I wake up and go to breakfast without Lahni waking me up.  I eat a few bites of food before throwing the rest away, like usual.  The schedule is so irregular, so I don't know what's happening next.  I sit on the bed and try to relax.  Lahni comes in.  "Hey, I've met with the floor manager, Loretta, and Jesse and we've decided it would be a good idea to put you with a different psychologist.  Her name is Kellie Brandon and she is very respected and looked up to among the different psychologists here.  She should be able to help and support you." she says.  I shrug.  "Can you find her office or do you want me to show you?" she asks.  "Show me please." I say.  "Anxious?" she asks.  I shrug.

She walks me to an office on the other side of the ward.  "Good luck, please give her a chance.  She is the best psychologist in this ward." she says before walking away.  I knock on the door.  It opens.  "Come in, dear." the woman says.  Her black hair is pulled into a messy bun and her eyes are a dark green-blue color.  Her tan contrasts her outfit and makes the colors stand out.  She would be really pretty if she actually  knew how to do her makeup and hair and such.

I enter her office and she motions for me to sit down.  I sit down on a leather couch and she sits across from me.  "I'm Kellie." she says, smiling.  I bite my lip.  "I already know who you are and what's going on, so let's just start." she suggests.  I shake my head.  "Why not?" she asks.  I look down, blushing.  "Let's just keep this short initially; that will keep your anxiety to a minimum." Kellie suggests.  I shrug.  "What's your current mood?" she asks.

"Anxious." I say, pushing past the anxiety like Jesse suggested.  "Why?" she asks.  "I'm........n-not good with new people." I stutter.  "I see.  What's the worst case scenario?" she asks.  "I embarrass myself or have a really bad panic attack and lose control." I answer.  "That's scary.  I know it's hard, but I need you to trust me and be open to treatment." she says.  "I-I'll try." I say.  "That's all I'm asking." Kellie says.

"It says in your file you recently attempted suicide and that's why you're here.  Can you explain that?" she asks.  "I'm just not comfortable with that.....maybe later." I say, shaking my head.  "Okay.  The way I was thinking when developing your treatment plan instead of an hour and fifteen minutes all at once starting out, right after breakfast fifteen to twenty minutes with me, then you have to work on school work for an hour before coming back to me for twenty to thirty minutes, then after you talk to Jesse we finish that time up.  Do you think that would work?" Kellie asks.  "It would be easier." I say.  "Great.  That's what I was hoping to hear.  I'll see you in an hour." she says.

I go to the classroom for the first time since I've been here and I am given the work I haven't been doing.  I rush through half of it and then use the rest of the time to do the other half.  I go back to Kellie's office, feeling slightly overwhelmed.  I go into the office and Kellie looks up from her computer.  "Hey.  Did you get your school work done?" she asks.  I nod.  "Great." she says as I sit down.  She sits across from me and smiles. 

I look down.  "I need you to answer some questions with yes or no answers." Kellie says.  I nod.  "Do you still  have suicidal thoughts?" she asks.  I nod.  "Do you still have the urge to self harm?" she asks.  I nod.  "Are you still having at least one anxiety attack a day?" she asks.  I nod again.  "PTSD nightmares or flashbacks happening at least once a week?" she asks.  I nod again.  "Unable to function in social situations?" she asks.  I shrug.  "Yes or no?" she patiently asks.  I nod.  "Do you have unwanted, repetitive thoughts?" she asks.  I nod.  "Do you have rituals that calm those thoughts?" she asks.  I shake my head.  "Are you constantly sad and uninterested?" she asks.  I nod again.  

"Okay, thank you.  I think there are no new diagnoses to add.  You have nothing new to report.....depression, social anxiety, severe suicidal thoughts and actions, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from childhood abuse and sexual trauma, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.  How do you feel having these diagnoses?" she says.  "I guess I feel a little better because I know that nothing has changed and there are words for what I'm feeling." I answer.