Everest, untitled.

Chapter 37

"It was not all bad, was it?" I look to my left and see my younger self. I recognize the Batman pajamas from my memories. But even though it is my face, I can feel the stars and magic from that night around him.

I look back to my current body, still crunching beneath blows. Only a few moments have passed that could have been seconds, no more than faint breaths. But it feels long. Pain bends time.

"You don't have to. Suffer anymore, I mean."

Batman Nate looks at me, hopeful like that night.

"The hope was never lost."

"You can read my thoughts?"

"I am your thoughts. We all are."

I look behind me, and true enough, there are multiple versions of myself, including Nate from the snow walk, which gives me half a grin.

I look at him. "I thought you wouldn't come anymore."

"I'll come when you need me," he shrugs. "I hoped I didn't have to come anymore."

I hoped so too, but I'm just as weak as I always was. I didn't change a bit from back then.

"You did." I turn to see which version has spoken and am surprised to see a seven-year-old me with two bundles. I don't see the twins' faces, but his facial expression is what strikes me. Still as haunted and sad as the others, but also determined. I had just found strength at that time in the arrival of the little E's.

Next to him steps me at age 12, when the monster just left.

"You changed all along the way. You did what was necessary and tried to kill the parts that would have made you feel. You survived, but look. You have a graveyard of buried emotions."

"I couldn't," I start but lose my voice. What is the point? I could not have allowed myself these feelings at the time: despair, shame, pain, hopelessness. I would have crumbled.

"But maybe you would have risen again." Me from the car crash looks at me, half sitting on the armrest of our couch.

Could I think that? That maybe I would have risen again? But power like this is beyond me. I managed it once, but barely.

"You have always surpassed yourself in moments you thought were impossible," another me says. I remember his dirty clothes when we threw out the furniture. We had destroyed everything that had reminded us of the monster and worked relentlessly to replace it. Build it together with Javi and his dad.

When our desire for a fresh start was bigger than the shame of needing help.

But that was not strength, that was muscle, that was -

"You stayed afloat, time after time after your lungs were filled with water." I look at a me that is older, dressed mature. He was dressed to impersonate someone more experienced and trustworthy in front of his siblings' teachers. I was scared to death to be discovered as an imposter at conferences. I never felt like I belonged; I played the part.

"So play it once more. Play the part of your hero." I can't look at them anymore.

I can't stand any more of this. I can't -

"You're tired," the me from a couple of weeks ago says. Where I bit down my darkness, knowing it would eventually come again. I just bought time. "I get it. But you have to go forward, Nate."

I turn away from them, watching my body and the raised claws of the monster.

It feels like time has stopped.