Unmaking Percy

Part IV - II, continued (The Parted Glade)

Evans' expression twitched for a second, his eyes widening, as though a distant thunderbolt had flashed his terror alight. Percy only caught it because he had been waiting for it. But he soon looked at Percy softly again, with sadness shading his smile.

"But I want you to stay" he murmured.

Percy nodded, thankful that he was spared the first half of that sentence.

"And it was you who saved me" Evans reminded him.

"From fanatics who came because of me."

"But against your wishes. You did everything you could to stop them. And this wasn't the first time you saved me, either."

Percy could believe that, if he tried. He dug his nails into the skin of his thighs, past his thin trousers, frustrated. He knew what he was doing. He was doing his best to bury himself under a burden of guilt that was not his to bear, because the heroes that he had read about in stories did the same, eager to dig themselves into an honoured grave. How else would they keep stories ever fixed on them? But he realized now he was not able to do it, and neither did he want to. He stopped.

"That isn't the only reason why I asked if you want me to go. Do you remember, some time ago, I asked if you wanted me to keep riding with you, even though I was useless. The man who follows us... you... around. He didn't just tell me to keep an eye on you. He told me to... hinder you, I suppose. Thwart you. Make your life difficult. He explained why, but I still don't understand it. I don't think he actually wants me to harm you. Somehow, he believes it's for your sake. And I didn't do anything. Not – well, whatever I did that caused you hurt, I did out of my own stupidity. Not out of obedience to him."

He was more coherent than he feared he would be. But already a sob was taking shape in his throat, strangling out the words. He swallowed it down, knowing it would crawl back up soon enough, no doubt at the worst possible moment.

A silence swelled between them, stretched taut, and finally eased again.

"I'm not sure I understand it either" Evans murmured, a frown lingering on his brow. "And I agree, I also don't think Astred wanted you to actually harm me. But... thank you for telling me. And for not doing what he asked of you."

His hand neared Percy, wavered for a moment, and finally settled on his forearm with a tender, raw touch.

"And to answer your question again, yes, I do want you to keep riding with me. Plus" he grinned, his voice brightening and shedding some of its murmured weight, "the palace seers saw you by my side in my quests. So it seems you really have no choice in the matter."

"But what if that's just a story they've made up? What if you're just following a tale they've laid out for you? What if it would be best if I didn't ride with you at all?"

Evans' touch recoiled from him, and Percy nearly whimpered, suddenly frozen in place by nothing more than a gentle breeze.

"It is so hard, Percy, this way you have of not speaking what you think, and not meaning what you say!" Evans said, knotting his features in a frown. "I'm beginning to think you want to leave, but you don't feel up to saying it, and so you place that task on me instead. Almost begging me to send you away. Tell me honestly: do you want to leave? Have I done something wrong? Percy, I'm always so afraid of being someone else's mistake... someone else's regret."

Percy stared at him, mouth gaping. There was a strange twisting in his chest. Whatever it was, he hoped it wasn't chronic. Far away in the garden, a jay flew over the hedge with a loud cackle, mocking him.