Heartfire

Part 2 - Balancing the Flames - Chapter 21-23

-21-

Fuck! The loud bell signaling third period jolted Evin from her thoughts. The first break had just ended, and she had spent the time meeting up with her friends in the cafeteria. Her curls bounced on her shoulders with every step, but the lighthearted feeling she'd had earlier was quickly disappearing. As usual, she'd applied mascara to emphasize her long, curled lashes, and her cheeks had a soft hint of blush, but none of that was helping today. She felt naked. Exposed. Each step through the cafeteria felt like walking through hell, even though she pretended nothing could touch her. Evin scanned the crowd, looking for Asher, but he was nowhere to be seen. Hannah grabbed her by the arm, pulling her abruptly: "Don't even think about sitting down, we've got english now." Evin let herself be dragged along, though her thoughts kept returning to what she had resolved to do the night before. She wanted to stop ignoring him, to get over the pride that had kept her from talking to him again. What had all this accomplished anyway? Hurting each other, surrounding themselves with others out of revenge—it had led them nowhere. Milka was right. She couldn't keep spinning in this cycle forever. Maybe, Evin thought, Asher just needed a little push.

As they climbed the stairs to class, she suddenly heard a deep voice behind her: "Evin, hey... can I talk to you for a second?" Ben. Evin stopped abruptly and turned around. His expression was serious, almost a little concerned.

His expression was serious, almost a little concerned.
"Yeah, sure," she said, while Hannah raised an eyebrow for a moment, confused, but then kept walking. What's going on? Ben's eyes flickered, and he hesitated for a moment before speaking.
"I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... I heard Asher was talking about you. About the party over the weekend."

Evin's heart skipped a beat, and her mouth suddenly felt dry.
"What did he say?" The words barely came out, but she needed to hear them. She knew it would hurt. She knew it. Ben shifted uncomfortably, looking down at the floor, fidgeting from one foot to the other.
"Everyone knows... about what happened. And they're talking. Way too much." He couldn't meet her eyes, clearly uneasy, but his voice remained calm, almost protective. Evin's heart pounded in her chest, but her voice stayed firm.
"What exactly are they saying?" Her eyes drilled into him, as if she had control—but inside, everything was falling apart. Ben sighed, his voice barely above a whisper.
"They're talking about your body. About you... like you're nothing more than..." He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. But then he saw her look and knew she needed to hear it.
"They're saying you look fake. Like you've got silicone boobs... and they're calling you... 'chunky.'"

Not again! The words burned into her mind as her pulse quickened. Evin's stomach clenched painfully, the words hitting her like a punch. A sour taste filled her mouth as nausea crept up. Her throat burned, her mouth felt dry, but she couldn't swallow.
"Chunky." She put her hands over her face. The word dug into her thoughts, repeating over and over, like a bitter aftertaste she couldn't get rid of. She wanted to dismiss the words, to refuse to give them any power over her. But it was too late. Even though she knew her body was strong from years of training, she couldn't stop the doubt gnawing at her. Why did she suddenly feel like it was true? Like everyone saw her that way—not strong, not fit, but... "chunky." Her face grew hot, and a wave of shame rose inside her before she even fully processed it. "A lie can make it halfway around the world before the truth even gets its shoes on," shot through her mind. Tears stung her eyes. How am I going to fix this? She knew the rumors weren't true, that her body wasn't how they described it. And yet, she felt ashamed. A nagging doubt spread like poison. Her heart raced, her thoughts circling around the same question: Is that how everyone sees me? Is that how I look? Her heart pounded, the pressure in her chest became unbearable, but outwardly she forced herself to remain calm. "Not here. Not now." But inside, everything was falling apart. Every look she'd ever felt from others, every tiny insecurity, came crashing back with a force that nearly knocked her down.