To Love

Chapter 6 (Benjamin)

That night, after Trevor leaves, I lay on my bed, staring at my ceiling while a record plays. Its melody surrounds the room.

A date. I contemplate my word choice. Why did I say that? I'm so embarrassed, but at least he seems excited. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm ecstatic. It's like I'm in primary school again. I'm happy. Too happy. My heart sinks as I'm brought back to reality. This is wrong. It's nothing, just casual. Yeah, that's it. Casual.

I can't fall in love, not again. Not after what happened last time with him, the one I can't name. The one I can't even properly think of or else I'll spiral down a hole it takes ages to climb out of. I can't let history repeat itself. Even if I do want this man, I can't have him. It's what's best for the both of us. I can't hurt him, and, in turn, he can't hurt me.

I gulp down a few melatonin pills and take the record off of the player. I shut out the lights and do my best to fall asleep.

---

Eventually, the morning comes, and I've gotten a few good hours of sleep in. I stretch and do a lap around the room to get my blood flowing. I look at my scrawny frame in the mirror and sigh. I decide to do a little pep-talk to start the day.

"You'll be fine. You'll go down to the shops with him and you'll have a good time. Just because you have a good time doesn't mean anything. You'll just stay friends. It'll be okay. All I need to do is get through the day without falling for him any more than I may have already. Just stick to the plan."

After my self-talk, I choose an outfit to wear. I put on a shirt and a brown coat over the top of it. I wear a pair of light blue jeans to go with the outfit. I spray a bit of cologne and Trevor texts me as if on cue.

[Trevor] Ready? I'll pick you up!

[Me] Alright. Yeah, I'm ready.

He arrives at my room a few moments later. He looks...gorgeous. He's got on a tank top with a flannel over the top. His wide-legged corduroy trousers complement his eyes perfectly. Not only that, but also his guitar pick necklace rests beautifully on his upper chest.

This is going to be hard, I think to myself.

---

We walk downtown side by side, chatting about whatever comes to mind. There's a few times I think he's trying to flirt with me, but he seems so nervous that it comes across a little funny. I can't help but smile and hold back a laugh every time. I'm having a really good time. Remember, stick to the plan.

Upon arriving in town, we stop by the previously mentioned cafe. It's not too busy, only a few people in front of us. When I get up to the register with Trevor, I order my drink after Trevor. I order a chai latte with oat milk. He gets some sort of iced cold brew I hadn't heard of (again, I've never been a big coffee fan). Before I can pull my card out, he quickly hands his own to the cashier.

"He's with me."

Those words shoot me in the heart. My face burns a shade of red I can only assume is crimson. Follow the plan, follow the plan! 

He must notice my blush because he smiles at me and giggles to himself. We find a seat nearby and sit across from each other. I do my best to avoid eye contact whilst not making it awkward.

"So," he starts up a conversation, "any records or CDs you're thinking of looking for today?"

I think for a moment. "Hmm...nothing in particular."

"That's okay! You can help me find things, then. What do you say?" His stupid smile makes me fall farther in love. This is not going my way at all.

The waitress brings us our drinks and I take mine with a short "thank you." Trevor follows suit and takes a sip of his drink.

"Fuck yeah, this stuff's the best." He knocks his head back a bit after his swig of the coffee. I stare intently at his facial expression as I sip my tea. I don't even realise I'm staring until he looks into my eyes and smiles. He's so good at messing with me.

"I like the shirt you're wearing." He points to my chest. I look down, and my heart skips.

"Oh, I uh..." It's the shirt I borrowed from Trevor. It was the first thing I saw, and apparently, I hadn't looked at the shirt in enough detail to realise.

"It's alright. You look good in it. Keep it, yeah?" He smiles while he says these words. My face turns hot once more. I look good in it. He didn't say it looks good on me. It doesn't look good, but I do. His way with words metaphorically knocks me to the floor.

"Th-thanks." That's all I can get out. This isn't like you at all, Benjamin. Snap the hell out of it. You're acting ridiculous.