Looking back, I never thought it'd turn out like this. Me laying facedown on the cold, tiled bathroom floor. I had been straining for the past 5 hours to get that last damned turd out of my bum. It was at the very edge of my rectum, but no matter how hard I pushed, it never budged. I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around at the fair with it jiggling around in my ass all willy nilly, so I had to at least try to get it out now. Only God knows what would happen if I pooped anywhere near Jeremy. I can't afford for him to hate me like he used to. After the incident of 05', it took him years to finally forgive me.
I had to get this over with. I slowly lifted myself off of the floor and positioned my ass over the toilet. I readied my body for the pressure it was about to go through by leaning over and bringing my elbows in towards my stomach.
Letting out my signature war cry, I screamed, "I command thee, turd! Release thyself from my flesh cave!"
With the force of one-thousand angry wasps, I slammed my elbows into my stomach and pushed with all my might.
Suddenly, an explosive sound erupted from my bowels. It rumbled and shook the entire house.
I gasped as the tiny bullet of a turd shot out of my bum and ricocheted off of the toilet seat and onto the mirror that was hung upon my wall. The mirror shattered into a million and one pieces.
"A job well done," I said to myself, "A job well done."
I quickly pulled up my sweat pants and made my way to the sink. My hands looked clean to me, but I was sure that they were covered in plenty of disgusting ass germs. I turned on the hot water and let it pour over my appendages. The warm water felt good, and I washed away all the gross poopy germs.
As soon as my left foot left the comfort of the bathroom, my front doorbell rang.
"Jeremy," I whispered.
I ran to the door, but slipped on one of the many randomly placed square rugs that were in my living room.
My head slammed on the wooden door, and I could hear Jeremy gasp at the sound of something large and hard hitting the wood.
I stood up rather clumsily and opened the door. Jeremy stood with a single rose.
"Ready, Aggy?" He asked, holding the rose up to my face.
"As always, Jeremy." I smiled and threw the rose into the kitchen. It landed on a pile of shit that I didn't care about.
"Well let's go! The fair is an hour away!"
He grabbed my arm and dragged me into the back of his black van.
