And Scene [H.S]

scene sixteen

AVIE STYLES

I barely slept last night, but I suppose that wasn't much of a shock to anybody. I had hardly even closed my eyes for one minute in fact. I'd like to say that it was nice just to be able to rest with Scout and be peaceful, but there was no such thing when my head was spinning and my heart had been aching for hours on end. I couldn't possibly rest or relax when my body was experiencing so much pain. Not to mention the fact that Harry wasn't here beside me, though that was my own fault for pushing him away.

When it hit the early hours of the morning and my heart was feeling heavy in my chest as the wind blew outside and Scout snored in my arms, I had to remind myself of why I was doing this. I had to tell myself that it was for the best. But that was a difficult pill to swallow at two in the morning when I had tears streaming down my face and I longed for inked arms to hold me close.

I laid awake with myself all night, a million questions running around in my head as I tried to figure out exactly what it was that sent our relationship down the drain. Despite Harry reassuring me that it wasn't anything to do with my looks or my personality, I think it was only natural for me to lay awake overthinking my anatomy and trying to pinpoint what is was that Harry was seeking out in other women.

He had told me that it had nothing to do with my looks, but with his track record, I couldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth anymore and I was especially struggling with the feeling of abandonment at ungodly hours in the morning.

It was all a recipe for disaster.

At one point, I had convinced myself that I was becoming delusional. I swore that I was losing my mind as the hours were passing by so painfully slowly and all I could do was hold Scout in my arms like he was the last thing on earth. I felt so wildly out of control and so I had to grip onto all I could, and Scout was that safety blanket for me. I hated to use him in such a way but it was the truth.

Harry found comfort in kissing other women whilst I found comfort in holding our son. We weren't the same and I wasn't sure that we ever were or if it was an act right from the very beginning.

It was a horrible thought, doubting our nine year relationship and all of the incredible things we had done together. It made me think of all of the dates we had been on, the romantic trips to Paris or getting engaged in the Bahamas, even our own damn wedding day. Was it all an act or was any of it genuine? Did Harry just pick and choose when he wanted to be interested or was this a new endeavour that he had stumbled upon?

The questions and the doubt never stopped, if anything, they only tripled as the night went on and I was left in the dark with my own thoughts.

It was a harrowing place to be.

When the sun finally rose up and light was filtering through the curtains, I hardly even noticed the fact that my cheeks were damp and my eyes were stinging from the amount of tears that had passed through them in the past twenty four hours. I didn't think that it was possible for me to cry anymore, but my body continued to surprise me in ways in which I had no idea were imaginable. I knew I was driving myself into a hole but there were some things that I physically couldn't halt. I didn't want to cry, believe me, I didn't, but I couldn't stop the tears, no matter what I was to try and do, they just wouldn't stop.

I had convinced myself that the level of grief I was experiencing wasn't normal. I was losing it and no matter what I did, I couldn't save myself. I couldn't figure out if I was just being sensitive and taking this to heart way too much, or if this really was as heartbreaking as I was making it out to be.