Just Kidding, But Seriously...

Love At 23,764th Sight [Or Something Like That]

Before I tell you about my life-changing experience, I want to say this:

I can describe my group of friends by comparing them to the cast of Spongebob.

If you don't know about the yellow dude who lives in a pineapple under the sea then I suggest you stop reading this and go make up for being completely deprived as a child. And if you're too lazy to do that or if you simply don't like getting bossed around by fictional book characters, then hang in there. I'm about to blow your mind.

I first noticed the parallelism one day when I was flipping lazily through the channels of my TV set. My feet were propped up and crossed on the coffee table in front of me and my body was slowly sinking into the squishy comfortableness of my brown leather sofa. I was going down like the Titanic but the sight of a yellow sponge with buck teeth brought me to life faster than Evanescence's song ever could.

It wasn't one of my favorite episodes, but I didn't really care because c'mon, dude-its Spongebob. No teenager can outwardly say that they'd change the channel in the face of those super stylish, long striped socks and that creepy, giggly laugh.

This particular episode was about our protagonist Spongebob's "Best Day Ever", which would end up being anything but. It started off with a rather annoying song sung by the sponge himself explaining how he was going to do all these great things that day, and about how the Sun was shining and everyone was smiling; he was basically shitting rainbows. I can shamelessly state that the song stuck with me for the rest of the day and that night I had a nice shower session jamming out to it. I even hit that high note as if I were a contestant on "The Voice."

Oh, and let me just say that Christina Aguilera can sit on a red rotating chair in my bathroom and listen to me sing any day. And if she ever wanted to hop in the shower with me, that'd be completely fine with me too. More than fine, actually.

Anyway, I was a total mastermind for noticing that Sandy the squirrel, with her high level of intelligence and love for conducting bizarre scientific experiments, closely resembled Luke and his geeky ways--minus the country accent, spacesuit, and glaringly obvious anatomical differences, of course. He even did karate as an extracurricular, just like Sandy did in the show-and they both kicked ass at it. He's always going out of his way to tell cute girls that he has a black belt in karate in order to impress them, and I'm surprised to say that it actually works most of the time. I'm even more surprised to say that he's not lying about his belt; I've seen it myself.

Gary the snail, with his exceptional communicative skills, high level of responsibility in comparison to his owner, and his inherent ability to stay at his best friend Spongebob's side even if the sponge was a complete lunatic, could have only resembled one person.

He was obviously Raymond.

This means you can probably guess who I was. I realized that Spongebob Squarepants was actually my twin. He had the singing voice of an angel, a contagious laugh, remarkable driving skills (note the sarcasm-I still don't have my driver's license), and, of course, he was freaking hilarious.

I knew Scarlett, Raymond's girlfriend of-what was it? one month?-wasn't really a part of my official circle of friends but I still managed to draw a couple (okay, a lot) of similarities between her and another character from Spongebob.

She and Squidward the squid: two faces of the same penny. Or however the hell that expression goes.

Scarlett loved music, and so did Squidward. Scarlett was almost always serious, and when she wasn't it was probably because she was faking being happy. This matched up with Squidward's insincerity. Just like the big-nosed squid, she was ill-tempered, grouchy when she didn't get her way, and had a snobby attitude with a sarcastic sense of humor to go along with it. I know you're probably wondering what Raymond sees in her. I can easily answer that question with two words: ass and boobies.