"It's Complicated"

Unsure

During those first years, Kalin and I grew quickly as friends. By the sixth grade we were already calling each other "sisters" and since, at the time, we looked very similar, we convinced people who didn't know us well that we were twins. The comfort level between us knew no bounds. There were so many things we could do around one another and still be nonchalant or find humor in it. I never knew what a true friend could be until we began our journey together. I was happy... on the outside.

Sixth grade was a dark year for me. A looming darkness crept up on me and bubbled just beneath my skin, warning me of the unforeseeable future. These feelings had actually started in the fifth grade, right after I had started getting bullied again; However, the symptoms didn't effect me as badly until later. I had gained weight and started covering my face with my hair; which, at the time, sat just below where my butt touched the seat. (I sat on my hair a lot, by accident - not fun).

Bullying was worse, my enthusiasm in ballet had dropped, self-consciousness kicked in bad, my self-esteem was next to nothing, and my first black rose of depression had started budding. I began to hate any bright colors, and anyone I didn't know. I hated pop culture and the "new music" that started to change into today's popular music. I listened to more rock and metal than anything, and refused to wear pink. My wardrobe slowly changed into all black, and society's label of me then quickly changed from "that friendly girly girl" to "that scary emo witch."

I started smothering Kalin around this time. She was the only thing I could see, hear, taste, feel, or think about. My best friend. My hero. I wanted her to save me again. But, because there was no active physical force against me that was visible to her, she did not. That threw me further off, and soon I would begin cutting. Everyone by now had begun hating, or fearing me, or even putting up a fake smile and saying that I was "a nice kid." Which I actually was, but I thought everyone hated me and was out to get me.

In the seventh grade I began seeing people differently. See, this was around the time puberty had started for me. My "father" had left me and my brother for the third time in a row, but this time, he wouldn't come back. I started to find attraction in females as well as males, starting with Kalin. I almost instantly denied this feeling and smothered it with Black Veil Brides, and discovering that I didn't believe in god.

Around the time I became an official atheist I started looking at girls in "that" way again, once again, starting with Kalin. I was so confused and unsure about everything that I tried so hard to be at least a little bit "normal." But, then I realized that there is nothing that can truthfully define me, or anyone, as "normal." "What is normal anyways?" became one of my favorite excuses as to why i was the way i was.

I started to picture it. Me, with another female, in love. We'd hold hands, and be able to talk comfortably. We'd understand each other. "We." That was a word I didn't use much. I used "I" and "they" more often. I'd often be alone, in my room. Scribbling random "books" into a notebook, or doodle random pictures. One book i'd write over and over again, I called "Blood Shed." It was supposed to be a mixture of a role play Kalin and I played over and over again, and my own fantasies. This included being kidnapped and falling in love, and leaving to a better place... Part of me wished this would happen. I didn't care that the two girls in the RP got raped repeatedly, I didn't care that they also were abused. Just the thought of actually being loved is what drew me in.

I thought, at the time, that I would never find love. And even if I did, it wouldn't last long. I'd get my heart broken, and we'd probably hate each other in the end. I was, and probably still am, a very pessimistic person. I was that little creepy girl, with the little creepy face, with the little creepy world in her head. I had little creepy eyes of hazel, and apparently wanted the whole world dead. It stayed that way until the end of eighth grade.