Diary of a Dirty Cowboy

Chapter Three

June 17th, 2005

Dear Jesse,

It's Friday night, and I'm almost ready to turn in, but I wanted to tell you about today. Mama and Daddy took us down to the lake to water-ski, (the only sport I'm good at,) and Clay made a dang fool of himself.

You know how he is. Whenever he's not the best at something, it ain't worth doing. So he got ripping drunk and hollered at pretty girls from the boat all afternoon. Beats me why Daddy wanted him along. He knows Clay's afraid of the water, since the accident.

Wasn't nothing anyone could do about it, Jesse. It was dark and cold, and the lake water isn't clear enough to see through in broad daylight, let alone at night. We searched for hours and hours, but we didn't find you until morning.

You shouldn'ta been drinking out there at night—you knew that. When you died, it made me so mad. I didn't think I'd ever get over the mad, but then came the hurt.

I'm still hurting, but it's not as sharp now.

Mama still cries a little whenever we go the lake, but she puts her flowers in the sand and says a prayer, then she feels a little better.

Daddy takes us out there to remember you and your life. You were his first, his favorite, and I think he's looking for a way to feel close to you again.

Sometimes when I'm ripping the wake behind the boat I can tell Daddy's seeing you, not me. He looks proud and sorrowful at the same time, and I get a lump in my throat and pray he sees you just a little while longer before I wipe out. I wish I was you sometimes, just for them. It's a powerful sorrow, losing a brother and a son.

Most of the time, I don't look anything like you. I have to wear these damn coke-bottle glasses and my hair won't lie down in the back. My jeans are always too baggy in the butt and I don't have muscles like yours, bouncing out of my sleeves.

It's different on the water. Somehow, I inherited your natural ability. I never did get up on one ski until that summer at camp, when you were my waterski instructor, and now I'm bare-footing and wake boarding. It gives me a good tan and keeps me in shape, and when my hair's wet, it looks a little darker, kind of like yours.

Mama sees it too. When I climb back in the boat, she smoothes my hair and kisses me on top of the head, and I can see the tracks from the tears she wiped away.

Do you feel it? Can you see through my eyes when they're looking at you and missing you so much? Can you feel how much we all miss you, Jesse?

We built a bonfire and roasted weenies, like old times. Only it wasn't. And it won't ever be again.

Miss you, Jesse.

Stay loose, okay?

* * * *

June 18th, 2005

Dear Jesse,

Today, me and Daddy kinda turned a corner. I mean, it was a good thing, Payne getting that job at the Ranch. Daddy is real happy to see Rowdy settled down again and things running smoothly, ready for me to head off to boot camp.

Rowdy ain't the only pony gettin' out of the stable big brother! That's right, Daddy handed me the keys to "My Little Pony!" I spent so many hours on the stool in the back of the garage, drinking cokes while you and daddy worked so hard to restore it. A genuine 1968 Mustang GT500 Fastback! You used to cuss a blue streak working on that "rusty old bucket of bolts," but you'd always say, "My Little Pony ain't gonna beat me, Cody, nossir! I'll have her purring like a cat by the end of the summer, just you wait and see!" Well, you ended before that summer did, and your pony was still gathering dust and rust in the back of the garage, as far as I knew.

Turns out Payne knows a little about muscle cars, and his daddy knows even more... Daddy asked them to finish her for you, well, for me. He said "Jesse would never forgive me for letting this car sit in the garage, going to waste. He used to tell me he was gonna give her to you anyways, after you graduated. He said he knew this car would cure you of a ruinous affliction... persistent virginity." Then we laughed til' we cried, and I drove her out of the garage and gave her a taste of the road. She's candy apple red with white racing stripes, dual exhaust, hood scoop, and racing red and tan leather bucket seats.

She flies, Jesse! She roars like a lioness and kicks like a donkey! It actually feels like a herd of wild ponies stampeding beneath your feet, carrying you down the road like a runaway stagecoach! I was smiling so hard, my cheeks still hurt. I took her on down to the Tasty Freeze and Jasper just about shit himself when he saw her in the parking lot! "Cody, if that ain't the purtiest pussy wagon I've ever seen in my whole damn life! It ain't fair, a dork like you driving a car like that!" HA! I don't guess I look like such a dork anymore, Jesse, cuz Presley oozed down into the passenger seat and practically melted the dashboard with the look she was giving me. "Take me for a spin, Cody?"

She wasn't just talking about the car, Jesse. I know the difference.

But I saw Lorelei and Bonnie walking down the street toward the north end of town, so I kicked Presley out and pulled on out to see if they wanted a ride. Bonnie squealed and jumped into the back seat quick as a bunny! Lorelei slid in cool as a cucumber, stroking the leather dash like it was a live pony. "She's so pretty, Cody! Where on earth did you find her?" I told her straight out, without even thinking, "Jesse gave her to me." She sort of teared up a little, and I started stuttering, "You know, I mean, he meant to give her to me, he told Daddy before he died... Daddy just finished the job for him."

She put her hand on my arm. "I guessed what you meant, Cody, you don't have to explain." She laughed and buckled her seat belt. "Now, if you let that needle drop below 100 on route 42, I'll never forgive you! Giddyup, Cowboy!"

I never let it drop below 105!

Man, Jesse, you're the best big brother anyone ever had! You're probably right about it being a sure cure for my "affliction", but I guess I'm going to take my time. I wouldn't want to waste my first time on some motor-head bimbo with more of a thing for "My Little Pony," than for me!

Stay loose, Jesse

*****