The only one thing my mom left for me was her words: "Never be a reason for someone's tears." Mama Mayla told me the same.
Even though the head nod, I couldn't understand it because actually being a jerkhead, or whatever God-knows they were talking about had never been in my mind. Alone, Mama Mayla had raised me good enough to be responsible person. I don't have a reason for someone's misery. And I lived by that narrative. Not because I value my late mom, but I just don't think I should be.
"Dahil sa'yo iniwan niya ako!" singhal ni Divine sa akin. Her tears pooled in her livid eyes and she wiped them.
I caressed my stinging right cheek. I think she slapped the wrong person. Assholes smile fake commitment everywhere, and I can't remember the last time my lips curled up into one, because I've never been one. Ako naman itong palaging hindi mapakali dahil sa kantyaw ng ibang babae. They'd said I wasn't being 'man' enough.
As I asked her the reason, she slapped me once more and said that her partner, a lesbian, got a thing on me and decided to break up with her.
"Ano bang nagustuhan niya sa'yo eh mukha kang tatanga-tanga, huh?"
Bakit naging kasalanan ko ang desisyon ng ibang tao? "Sorry." I don't want to be caught up on this mess and I couldn't think of anything for excuse. Sorry was everything I could offer.
I thought my apology was enough to cool this argument down, but it wasn't for her. Hindi siya roon natapos. She compelled me into finishing her tasks, as a way to repay her.
The passing bird said something's not fair. Hesitation tinged my gut, but I still agreed.
"By deadline dapat nasa kamay ko na ang mga iyan. Makakatikim ka sa 'kin 'pag binigo mo ako," she glared at me, then she walked away.
I was left with my swollen cheeks and the task she enforced to me. As much as possible, I don't ever want to be on bad terms with anyone. So, perhaps better if I get this done and get over with this. Mawawala na rin ang atraso ko sa kanya. Either way, I feel being partly responsible.
"Oh, anyare d'yan sa pisngi mo?" asked Greg.
"Nothing." I dropped on the wooden bench and pulled out a highlighter.
Three tasks were given to me. It wasn't simple as I thought it was. I had a hard time figuring out what to input in my paper, that's why answering hers wasn't a question. I asked Greg about it but formulas occupied him. I gazed around, then my blockmates' gossips convinced me I can't ask help from them.
Staring at the three-bulleted list while thinking this isn't my job was a torture. One more thing, I'm not the smart-type of nerd. Sipag lang sa pag-aaral ang nakakaraos sa akin. I'm not all-around person to do other people's task either. Surely I'd screw this up, and that would essentially make things worse. What a hellhole.
I wilted on the bed, closing my eyes. Help. I need help. Other than I have things to finish, I can't do this myself nor can I even begin. Kailangan ko ng ibang taong makakasagot nito. 'Yong matalino. O kahit hindi na. Basta matulungan lang ako dito. Pero ang tanong, saan naman kaya ako makakahanap ng ganoon? Greg is the only friend I have. And there's no way he can help me, his existence utters nuisance itself.
The next day, my question was answered. I saw a friend of Hyena referring somebody's assignment to her. Even her lifestyle haven't changed, she still commission on academics.
Pwede na. Pwedeng-pwede na. Sa kanya na lang ako magpapatulong.
I approached her on the study station after gazillion of times struggling internally with my courage.
Don't look at me, don't look at me.
She did.
Nice.
Holding conversation should've been the thing I focused working on instead of my courage. Because walking up was all-time awkward. I wasn't even well-versed in my lines. And she was apparently the boss type. Had all my impromptu lies wrapped around her head faster than the excuses I could lay upon further. Kitang-kita ko ang panghihinala sa timpla niya. Still, she went on with it. My pretty little lies.
I'm sorry, if we weren't just so close right now, I'm sure I'm definitely composed.
"When's the deadline?" she spoke like a madame.
"I'll ask him about that." Nagamit ko pa si Greg.
"Okay, sabihan mo na lang siyang i-text ako," she said.
I disagreed at her by nodding. Because no, you can't one-on-one text with Greg. Ako itong may pakay sa iyo, ako lang ang kausapin mo. Pag-alis niya, binuga ko ang hanging napuno sa baga ko. I think I subjected myself as a prey to a hyena.
Naging maayos ang tulog ko hindi dahil maaasahan ko siya sa tasks, kundi aksidenteng may nahanap akong paraan para makausap ko siya. Deep down, I wanted to know more about her. Because there's something more interesting than the surface I see. Behind the palm she kept noting on, around her ponytail, through the length of her jet black lower lashes, and each gap between her fingers.
For example, right now, I could see her on the waiting shed, one wink away from sleep. Kalmado na siya, mukha nang hindi nangangain. Gabi na, hindi pa rin nakakauwi.
"So bakit nga nandito ka?" she asked.
"I just want to go out." My pretty little lies.
"Tapos sasabihin mong unhealthy."
Loitering outside alone at this hours is, yeah, except it's good if it's with her. Mahahatid ko sana siya. Just if the car repair was done. Tinanaw ko na lang ang papalayong jeep na sinakyan niya.
It subconsciously became the thing I looked forward to. Our short little interactions or even just a brief encounter, became an everyday source of living of my motivation.
"Ang movie na gagawan ng reflection paper ang ibig kong sabihin, Shiro! Hindi ang movie sa Netflix na 'yan!"
"Oh." I fidgeted on the hem of my shirt, feeling myself hot. Not because of embarrassment but her, calling me by my name. That's a new thing to hear.
To: tasks
Take care, Hyena.
I like how things were going. Every single day, I'd inch across the hundreds yard distance between my building structure and the study station. Minsan may mga araw na hindi siya nakakarating na naiintindihan ko naman dahil may classes pa naman sila.
"Bigyan mo lang 'yan ng pabor. Solve na 'yan bilang bayad mo."
I didn't like how she's pushing her friend to me. I'm giving her friend a favor but it's a way of dismissing me, her. That's why I don't have plans entertaining them so it'd be useless.
Every conversation, with or without substance, kept our progress rising.
At kahit mahirap dahil madalas na nga lang siya nakakapunta rito, hindi pa siya nagtatagal ng isang oras ay umaalis na. Ibig ko pang kilalanin siya nang husto, at ibig ko ring makilala niya ako. I took my chance one time. "Do you mind if I ask you?"
Tumigil siya sa pag-aayos ng gamit niya. "Ask me what?"
"To have lunch with me."
Nagkatitigan kami. At nakuha ko nang tingnan at titigan siya, nang hindi naiilang. Nag-isip siya. Doon pa lang, nabawasan na ang aking tsansa. Kaya hindi na ako nagulat nang humindi siya kasi pinapatawag daw sa bahay nila. Aalukin ko pa sana siyang ihatid, pero hiniram nga pala ni Greg ang kotse. At this point, maybe I should raise rent fee for it.
