It's Complicated

Part Fifteen

Chapter 15
Tobias' POV

I remember the first time dad hit me. It was for something so stupid and so little. He came home drunk that night and could barely stand upright. I had forgotten to wash the dishes and he got so pissed off about it.

He hit me across the face so hard, it left a bruise for two days.

I remember that night too precisely. Tris's house was a block away from mine so I walked towards it with my hood up, afraid that someone would see the bruise even though the sun had already set.

I climbed up onto her patio and knock three times. From the window, I saw her on her laptop doing school work while chewing on a pencil. We were in seventh grade at the time.

I remember her curious eyes looking up from her work and landed where I was standing. Her eyes turned darker when it landed on my bruised cheeks.

"What happened." She asked while opening the door from her patio.

"Marcus." Tris had already knew that he had some...anger issues. She had already knew about my mom running away from him. She knew what he did to her. I told her everything and anything.

Losing Tris, hurt more than Marcus hitting me. The pain that came from Marcus couldn't compare to how I felt after we fought in freshman year. She was my anchor and I let her go causing me to sink down with her.

I miss her, and I love her. I just wish I had the balls to tell her before it was too late.

I moved on, well, not really.

No I didn't.

I plan on asking her to forgive me. But I don't know how she will if I can barely forgive myself.

I am such an idiot! Oh my God! Such a fucking idiot!!

Sometimes I just want to jump in front of a train for all the stupid things I've done in my life. And I've done a lot.

I know doing something big won't help.

So I write:

Look, Tris. I did some shit things to you the past year. I know you may not forgive me and I understand that because I can barely get myself to forgive my actions. I think about you every day. I think about you when I wake up and before I fall asleep. I think about you in class and during break. I've messed up. I've done such terrible things, to you. I took you for granted. You we're my best friend and you've helped me through everything. You helped me with Marcus, my mom, with Lauren. You were my first kiss, you're my first love. I don't know how I managed to survive without you. Maybe it was the little things. Catching your eye in the hall. The smiles I gave you when I caught you staring. I know you like me. You can't deny it because I know it's true. It has to be. I want it to be. I know I'm a terrible person at times, but I can be so much more. I didn't mean any of it. How could I? I broke a promise and now I have to suffer the repercussions. You're such a an amazing person. So flawless, so beautiful, so smart, so selfless. I love you, Beatrice Prior. I love you so much. Please forgive me.

I don't know what to write afterwards. I understand if she won't forgive me. It will be hard. But I will move on, I have to try. I fold the letter twice and slip it into her locker.

"I haven't seen you in forever." Zeke pats my back as sit on the blue and gold lunch tables.

"Rough week, I guess." I sit on top of the table.

"I heard your nasty fight with Tris yesterday. Well half the school heard you, you guys were pretty loud. You're an idiot by the way." Zeke takes a seat next to me.