Shopping and Other Disasters

Chapter Two

I look at Anna in panic. What am I supposed to do? I try to communicate with my eyes.

It doesn't work. Anna gulps visibly and steps forward, tapping the manager lightly on the shoulder. When he turns his head, she angles her chin and bats an eye seductively. "Well, hello there," she purrs, smoothing down her suit while twirling her hair in the process. "Aren't you such an entrepreneurial spirit?"

"Anna," I hiss quietly, pulling her off the manager's shoulder. We turn around. "What are you doing?"

"Well..." she says slowly, and shrugs her shoulders. "That's what it says in my hypnosis book--actually, it's actually meant to be applied to the situation when you're getting a parking ticket and the officer pulls up next to your window, but I figure this could work now, couldn't it?"

"What are you talking about?" I feel perspiration spreading underneath the lovely chiffon blouse I paid full price for at Harrod's. Oh, bloody hell!

Anna is oblivious to my dire situation. "Seducing him. It's the best idea I've got, and just watch! It'll probably work. See, he's already making googly eyes over here."

I turn and look, desperately praying that my blouse isn't ruined by my sweat. What I see from him is a death stare. "Anna, dear," I say in my best you-are-a-complete-and-utter-moron voice, "I don't think those are googly eyes. How about I want to pound you into the ground eyes? Or flush you down the loo eyes?"

"Oh, shut up." Anna swats me on the arm. "My hypnosis book says that you should think positively to manifest an important event--"

She rambles on and on, and I think slowly. Actually, Anna's right.  It's the best bloody idea we've got at the moment, and I'd much rather let Anna (who actually is already dating a rather boring med student who's far too gangly for her) seduce the store manager than have to explain the entire shenanigan to Ben and then ask him for money again. He's very understanding about my shopping sprees, but somehow, I have a feeling that he won't be so understanding about this particular type of shopping.

Plus, it would absolutely ruin his present. I mean, no point telling him that I'm going to get him chocolate for his birthday--

Oh, crap. I smack my hand to my forehead and swivel around to Anna. "Anna, think of an idea! Quick!"

"I just told you one," she says, looking miffed. "And I understand if you don't like it. But if you have a better one, you're more than welcome to share."

"No, no, that's a good idea," I say, my words pouring out of my mouth in a rush. "Think of an idea for Ben's birthday present! I can't get him chocolate now."

"Well, why on Earth not? It's only one store. You can always buy some from a different store."

"No, no, no," I say, lowering my voice. "You read all those hypnosis books--you should know this, of all people! There's bad karma associated with buying Ben chocolate for his birthday now. And I don't want to take any chances. He was such a sweetheart to me on mine, taking me to Barney's and Harrod's and then being such a wonderful bedmate, if you know what I mean!" I wink at her and continue. "So we need to think of a birthday present."

"Oh," Anna says, drawing the word out. "God, Rosie, you're an absolute bloody genius. I never would've thought of bad karma!"

"I know," I say, reveling in her praise. I beam and smile and strut a little, just to show her that I can be rather foolish sometimes but also have very clever ideas when need be. "So, now that we've discovered that, any ideas?"

Anna opens her mouth and is about to say something when the manager comes over and eyes us with an even more frightening death stare than before. "Ladies," he says in his nasal voice, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to pay for your mess or be escorted by law enforcement officials and explain this to a judge."

Oh, sh--

I can't even properly think because Anna jumps right in. "Why would I need to talk to a judge when I've got you to talk to? So smart and so bloody handsome, too!"

I give Anna a secret thumbs-up and wink at her. She's rather good at this, actually! No wonder she's turning her boring old med student into a more lively man. 

"Ahem," the store manager clears his throat nervously and looks round. "Ma'am, I'm flattered, but--"

"Oh, so I see how it is," Anna says, pulling back with a pout and crossing her arms over her chest. "You don't like me in the least, do you? Well, that's just fine! I have a thousand other men lined up round the block, if you must know. And I bet you don't even have a steady girlfriend!"

Oh, dear. I bite my lip and look at the manager.

He looks a lot more insulted than he did before. "Actually, I'm married and am the father of twin girls."

I squeeze my eyes shut. Bloody, bloody, bloody hell! Bloody hell! I'm screwed, now I really, truly am, and not even Anna can save the day.

But before I can say a thing, Anna exclaims, "Well, aren't you rude? Leading a pretty young thing like me on when you have a wife at home? You must be so embarrassed! You should be embarrassed! You know, if I weren't such a nice girl, I would ask around for your name, phone your wife, and tell her all about this sticky situation that you're in. What would your daughters think of you then?"

His Adam apple bobs, and his jaw works. I see anger pulsing in his neck, and I can hardly restrain from jumping up and down in glee. Anna's done it! She's saved me! "You're the best friend I could ever ask for," I whisper to her, while the store manager mulls over the new predicament Anna has landed him in.

"And don't I know it," she replies, and winks. "But shh! He's about to talk!"

"Ladies," he says with forced politeness, "I'm truly sorry about the misunderstanding. Would you like to be escorted to the parking lot by a store employee? And would you like some complimentary chocolate from our store to make up for the inconvenience?"

I smile and cross my arms. "Let's see--I'll take this, and this, and this..."