Shortness of Breath

Chapter Ten

Hallie - October seventeenth

"Wow," I'd said to myself in the quiet darkness. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she'd said seriously.

"I swear, that is not why I came here."

"I know."

"I just think that you being around, it reminded me of how much I really missed you. And if I thought even once back then that I'd ever in a million years be here kissing you again--"

"You don't have to analyze it, Hallie. Just do what feels right. Trust your instincts, and your feelings. They know what's best for you."

I looked at my phone just one more time as Casey's name flashed across it, then held down the power until it shut off.

"Do you have any blow?"

She looked at me in complete silence and I couldn't tell whether she was going to laugh or scream. It ended up being a mixture of the two. "Hal, are you kidding?"

"Why would I be kidding, Syl? I'm an addict like you, okay?"

"You wouldn't even drink when you walked in here and now you want to score cocaine, Ms. Narcotics Anonymous? And besides, I thought H was your thing anyway."

"Everything was my thing, okay, and I'm still going to meetings, but I am allowed to fuck up every once in a while."

"You could stand to make this 'while' last a little longer, Hal. You're six days clean."

"Yeah," I said. "And I'm twenty eight years dirty, okay, just like you."

"You're a piece of work to keep up with," she sighed, sitting back.

"So are you going to hook me up or are you going to sit there and preach to me about how drugs are bad?"

"No, I'm in no position to do that," she admitted. "But if I hook you up, it's just this once, because I know what it's like to crave. I still want you to go to NA, okay? That shit is good for you. You need that."

"I know," I lied. There were only two things I'd felt like I needed for the past six days, and neither one was NA.

"And no crying to me about how I fucked you up, okay?" she warned. "You asked me for this, I'm your supplier but I'm not your addiction. I'm helping you out this once, but I'm not what got you sick, and you still need to realize your problem."

"You don't think I know I'm sick?"

She didn't say anything to that, just gave me one more warning glance before getting up and disappearing to another room. She returned with a five milliliter vial and trusted me by holding the whole thing out to me.

"Listen, this is pure shit okay, this is the last of what I took here from New York, so--"

I took it out of her hand and pushed her onto the couch, right on her back, before lifting her shirt over her head with no objection. In fact, she didn't say a damn word, but at the same time, she didn't look the slightest bit surprised. I spoke next.

"Let me thank you for the gift, okay?"

"I won't pass up a thank you."

I straddled her legs and undid the top of the vial before tapping out two straight lines onto her chest. She didn't move a single muscle, not until I'd inhaled the majority of the cocaine and ingested what was left by licking it off.

"Damn, Hal, residency has made you a freak."

"Shit," I exhaled involuntarily, looking toward the ceiling.