Explosive

06 || I'm Not Okay

~ Dedicated to acockia for the amazing banner at the top.

I try to concentrate on the textbook in front of me but I keep having to read paragraphs over again in order to understand what's going on. Sighing, I drop my pen and decide to give up on taking notes for the previous chapters. I would have to catch up on another day. It's hard to concentrate on my homework after my first day at school. Pushing away from the dinner table, I dig through my bag for Life of Pi. The usual butterflies I get when I'm about to read a new book flutter at the bottom of my stomach.

My aunt comes in, her lips red as ever and her hair in a gorgeous up-do. "Hey, sweetheart." I wiggle my fingers at her, which makes her grin. "Do you think you can watch the twins for a bit? I just need to grab groceries and I'll pay you for babysitting them."

"I would love to and you don't have to pay me," I say, slightly shocked at the idea. "Theo and Mary are my cousins, babysitting them would be like watching my siblings."

"You're awesome," she whispers. At that moment, she almost sounded like my mom. My gut wrenches when I remember what my aunt had told me about her. Aunt Jane must have seen my face fall because she places her purse on the table and pulls out a chair.

"Hey, did you get a chance to send Glenda a drawing of the tattoo? She told me it would really help them out." It's not like I didn't get the chance. I just can't bring myself to draw it.

"Not yet but soon."

"Okay," she says. Moving away from the table she picks up her things and turns to leave. "Oh yeah, whenever you are ready to go to Oakville and pick up the rest of your things, just let me know." She had made a couple of trips to my apartment to pick up a few of my things, like my clothes and laptop. Almost a month after my mom's death, I still can't bring myself to enter my apartment, afraid that I would fall apart if I did go.

After she leaves, I take my laptop to the living room where the twins are playing with blocks. Theodore waves his pudgy hand at me when I take a seat on the sofa and open my laptop. That's when Theodore climbs up beside me and sits down, shaking his feet back and forth after he is seated. "What's Aubrey doing?" he asks. Mary comes to the other side of me and leans her head over to catch a glimpse of what I'm doing.

"Homework," I answer and then tap Mary's nose.

When Theodore sees a background of my favorite animal, a penguin, he points at it and says, "Doggie."

Laughing I say, "No baby, that's a penguin." Mary giggles too, putting her hand on her face in frustration. In the few weeks I had spent with the Collins I had learned that Mary is quiet, yet smart, whereas Theo is confident and loves to talk. Mary wobbles back to where she was sitting on the floor and starts flipping through a book. I'm about ask her if she wants me to read it to her when Theo tugs my sleeve.

"Where is your mommy?" he asks after he sees that a document, showing my latest blog post, isn't interesting. My gut twists. The twins know that I am their cousin but I hadn't realized that they had picked up on my mom being absent.

"She's gone," I whisper.

"Gone to work?" Theodore questions.

"My mommy isn't here, honey," I say quietly, deciding it would be better if I kept it vague. My heart pinches. Theodore senses something is wrong and leans against me as he plays with his blocks.

Swallowing, I open up the blog that I shared with my best friend, Emily, called Glitz and Glory. It's something that we started when we were in grade six and still update regularly. Emily focuses on fashion and makeup, while I did art and books. It's been almost two months since I last posted and I'm still working on a review I have yet to put up. Scrolling through the recent posts, I notice that Emily had been updating frequently, her most recent one being about possible hairstyles for the new school year.