Stronger

Chapter 11 {So cry for me baby}

Faith POV: Tim and I stay up the entire night, in a somewhat bitter silence. He holds tightly to me, and it's very clear he's still awake. I sit up, heading to go wakeup the girls. Tim remains in the barn as I walk away, making the encounter very awkward. 

Once the girls are all up and getting themselves breakfast, Tim decides to help them eat, allowing me a moment to go get a shower. 

Once the water has finished heating up, I step into the shower, and let the water soak through my hair. Something about the feeling of the water pouring off of me makes me feel overwhelmed. I'm starting to break down from all this stress that has been thrown on me.

After a good ten minutes, the door squeals as it slowly opens. I see Tim's silhouette through the fogged up glass doors in the shower, and watch as he sits himself up on the counter. He places his hands on his knees, and then looks over toward me as I wash my shampoo out. 

"I don't know what to do." He spits out, swallowing hard, before clearing his throat. He sits for a moment, staring at the floor. "I love you, but I just don't know how to get past it." He looks up toward the ceiling as if he were going to pray. I stand still while my hair rinses out, trying to think of how to respond. Nothing is coming to mind. 

Tim opens the shower door, and steps in with me. He wraps his arms around me and starts to sway, placing his lips on my wet hair. I would love to say that I've never felt safer, but it's just not true. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe with the man who ditched me out of the blue. What makes me think he won't do it again? 

"I can't do this." I whisper, pushing myself out of his arms gently. He lets go, shuts his eyes, and stands in the shower while I wrap a towel around myself and throw on clothes. Once I'm fully dressed, he comes out slowly, like the walking dead. He bites his lip and looks down, trying to decide just what he wants to do. "I'll go." I say softly, grabbing a small duffle and throwing a few things in the bag. He doesn't move, except for a slow nod. "You hang out with the kids tonight, I'll come back tomorrow and we'll figure something out." I say, zipping the duffle closed. He doesn't flinch as I walk downstairs and head out the front door.

I pull up to Devin's house in a suburb of Nashville, and try to cool myself down. My hands are still shaking, even after the forty minute drive. I slowly walk up the walkway to Devin's house, and knock on the door, praying he'll take me in. 

He opens the door, still in his boxers, and seems surprised that I'm standing on his porch. He opens the door even wider, permitting me to come in. 

"Everything okay?" He asks, as I walk in his trashed apartment. I spot a box of cigarettes on his counter, and take one out. He widens his eyes, as he watches me light it with the lighter than was sitting beside the box. "I'll take that as a no..." My chest hurts, as all my anxiety attempts to escape. I look over toward his living room, to see bottles on his table. Something inside of me breaks. 

"Since when have you started drinking again?" I ask, sounding like his mother. He shuts his eyes tightly, and leans his head back, trying to come up with an excuse. 

"Faith, I'm not driving, it's fine." He says, making tears come to my eyes. "Come on now..." He says, getting angry. 

"What will it take to get you to stop?" I cry out. He throws his hands up. He starts to say something, but then retracts his statement. 

"I have nothing to fucking lose anymore, Faith. Who gives a shit?" He says, shooting his words like a gun aimed at me. 

"You're right." I say, trying to take a deep breath. I look up at him to see he's biting the inside of his lip anxiously. "It's over between Tim and I." I spit out, at least giving him a reason for why I'm here, before I march out. The only thing keeping my feet nailed down is his reaction. He shakes his head. 

"That's what you said last time." He laughs, making fun of me. 

"He's the father of my kids. It's not like he can just disappear--" I start. 

"I fucking needed you... You made the choice, and now that you see you screwed up, you're going to come back here?" He says, making me cringe. 

Tim and Devin had both been nearly crippled after the attacks, and they both needed help. I told Devin I'd move him in, and I'd take care of him, but then Tim relapsed. The doctors told me out of the two, Tim needed more help psychologically and physically, when Dev could likely get along with no help. 

"Devin, I really didn't have a choice..." I whine. He shakes his head again, and starts to laugh condescendingly. "He needed the kids, and he needed me. Had he not been the girls' father, I would've--" He cuts me off again. 

"For gods sake, Faith, I was the father of one of your kids too! So don't go placing him on some kind of pedestal because he screwed you." He screams the veins on his neck becoming apparent. I feel numb, and I can't help but notice that I'm shaking. He breathes quickly, seeming to be catching his breath. He looks away from me and seems to think things over. 

"That's different." I admit quietly, after the silence becomes unbearable. He shakes his head quickly. 

"No it's not. The only difference is you gave ours away and never told me." He looks up at me with shallow eyes. I want to scream that I never had a choice with her. The comment is making my blood boil, while he stands there and watches me crawl out of my skin. 

"I'm going to go." I say, quietly. I put out the cigarette, and walk out without him saying another word. 

I dial Josh, and he tells me to come over. I end up spending the night curled up next to him, crying my eyes out. He seems to understand.