"I'm not saying that I have a bad life, but if you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be a tragedy."
When I said that there was no way that my life could possibly get any worse, I was kidding. I didn't actually expect...
"Most days now his loss is a part of her, an awkward weight she carries around, invisible to everyone else."
—Jojo Moyes, The Girl You Left Behind
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Stories don't always start out like this. The betrayal usually comes in the middle so that it can be resolved before the end, but not mine. No, mine begins with what I like to call The Betrayal That I Never Saw Coming. Although, to be fair, I probably should have. Not because there was ever an indication that the love of my life was really into the person that I was so close to once that we'd even shared a womb, but because when it came to Katie, there was simply nothing that stood in the way of what she wanted and if I had it, she wanted it.
She didn't steal him from me if that's what you're thinking―not exactly. As my father had so uselessly pointed out, Brian and I had been broken up for about six months prior to the big announcement, but I guess to me it still felt like just yesterday.
For us regular folk, six months is hardly enough time to get over someone, let alone fall for someone else but for those who were truly blessed in the art of letting go, it was more than adequate and since Katie was involved it was obviously a no-brainer, because who'd ever choose me over sunshine Barbie.
That statement doesn't mean that I'm insecure in any way, I'm simply saying it like it is. Katie was and always will be someone who can manipulate her way into any situation and if you weren't careful you'd get sucked into the whole innocent act that she had going, but then again, those of us who really knew the real Katie, knew that she was anything but.
Growing up, I used to think that it was just impossible for anyone to dislike my sister. She was too nice, too loving—too fucking nauseating. She was the good girl, the one that was going to make our parents proud, the family doctor. Me? I was the family disappointment, of course. I don't lose any sleep over it though, I've learned to play my role just like she's learnt to exploit hers.
It was too much to stand in Katie's majestic glow of morality, so I chose to disengage all together. But I mean, who can really blame me? I wouldn't. If all that you do is try and your efforts are never rewarded then what's even the point of trying in the first place? Katie's efforts were rewarded tenfold while mine were frowned upon. I realize that I probably sound jealous, but I assure you, I most certainly am not. It's just the truth.
Do you know what it's like to know that you're the kid that would be sacrificed to save the other? I imagine that some of you know exactly how much that fucking hurts and it does― it really, freaking does. Whether it was intentional or not, our parents favored her and maybe that's where our problems essentially started.
But, on to more recent things: I've been hurt before, sure. Everyone's been hurt and let down more than once in their lives, but they learn to live with it and eventually they move on. I used to think of myself as one of those people. The type that shrugged the pain away and just said 'fuck it' and truly meant it, but apparently, I'm not. Apparently, I was the other type. The type that loved to wallow in self-pity; the type that lay awake for hours obsessing over the 'what ifs' and then cried themselves to sleep at night simply because there was no other way to actually get some peace.
