When I wake in the morning, I am alone. Loud laughs sound from downstairs and I follow them to the kitchen where Spencer and Henry are playing with nerf guns.
Spencer is crouched on the ground, hiding behind the dining table, holding the gun close to his chest as though it were real. Henry rushes past me, attempting a roll as he shoots Spence in the back.
"I got you! I win!" He cheers, jumping up and down before rushing to the cupboard and pulling out a box of pop tarts.
Spencer stands, pouting in defeat as he watches the boy climb on to the side and push them in the toaster.
"He bet me pop tarts for breakfast he would beat me." He frowns as he faces me, pushing his bottom lip out.
A small laugh slips from my lips and Spencer steps forward on one foot, resting his hand on my shoulder as he pecks my lips softly. "I fed Charlie, he woke pretty early this morning, but I figured since you kept waking up with nightmares I'd sort him out."
"I kept waking?" I ask, confused and Spencer's features soften.
"You woke six times." He forces a smile before turning to the baby mushing banana all over himself and the high chair he's in.
Spencer takes the plastic bowl from him, dropping it into our sink before grabbing a bag of baby wipes. "Some kids knocked on the house earlier, they seemed nice and wanted to play with Henry. I said he could go out at dinner time." Spencer says, wiping the food from Charlie's mouth.
"Wake up JJ." He states, before continuing his chore.
"I am awake Spence, sorry, I must have zoned out. I'm a little tired." I force a smile and Spencer turns to face me, his face riddled with confusion.
"I'm tired too, I guess it's an early night for us?" He makes his way toward me again, dropping the banana covered baby wipes into the bin before resting in front of me. "How are you feeling?" He asks, concern clear in his eyes.
"I'm ok."
"Are you sure? We could go to the doctors or something?" He asks, rubbing both my arms with his large hands.
"I'm fine, Spence." I kiss his lips softly, before making my way past me to stop Henry just before he shoves the knife in the toaster.
"Henry!" I shout, pushing his hand away quickly and taking the all metal cutlery from his hands. "Don't ever do that!"
He pouts and his large green eyes grow watery. "It wouldn't come out."
"Then you ask me or Spence to do it for you, putting that in there is very dangerous." I state and Spencer joins us by the counter.
"You know what would have happened if you did that, right?" He asks the almost crying boy, lowering his voice slightly attempting to comfort him as he takes the knife from me.
Henry shakes his head no, still pouring while sat on the kitchen side.
"This is made of steel, if you would have accidentally clipped the wrong thing while jamming this inside there, you would have been electrocuted. It can really hurt you, Henry. Now we don't want that, do we?" He asks, raising his eyebrows and throwing the knife into the sink beside me.
"No." Henry whines, looking back at the toaster with his burning pop tarts inside.
"Good." Spencer smiles, reaching for the blonde boys chin and forcing him to face us as he plants a tiny kiss on Henry's forehead. "Now watch this." Spencer smirks and hits the toaster three times in different places, causing the pop tarts to fly out and land on the counter by Henry's knees.
I have nightmares every night that week, the same almost every night. I constantly see Derek hanging over me, begging for me to stay with him, I constantly see him in the ambulance, holding my hand tightly, but last night was different.
I see my Mom and Emily there too, standing by the window as the doctors desperately try to keep me alive. Maybe it's just my head playing tricks, but I need answers and I feel that's the only way I'll stop these terrible dreams.
***
"Spence?" I say as he takes a seat at the kitchen table with a piping hot mug of coffee. His hair is sticking up in random places and the bags beneath his eyes are so much worse than I've ever seen before. He looks up groggily, a frown loose on his brows for a moment before he forces a smile.
"Yeah?" He rubs his eyes with his free hand before taking huge gulps of his drink and meeting my eyes again. "What is it JJ?"
"I need to go to the hospital, I need to know whether in going crazy or whether Derek, Emily and my Mom all knew about my death." I sigh and Henry looks up instantly, moving his eyes between Spencer and I before looking down again.
"JJ they wasn't with you and they didn't know." Spencer groans, standing up from his seat. "You wasn't there, so you won't remember how fucking broken all of us were, you wasn't there."
"But that's the thing, Spence. I- I do remember."
He frowns deeply and Henry rolls his eyes, leaving the kitchen and rushing upstairs. The room is silent for a little while before Henry re enters the kitchen fully dressed.
"I'm going to play with Ben." He pulls on his coat while keeping his eyes fixed on Spencer, waiting for permission to leave the house.
He nods and Henry disappears. "JJ, I get it. Ok? I get it. You're having nightmares about that horrible day and that's probably your unconscious allowing certain details you'd forgotten free in your dreams. They're probably a little muddled up and that's why you think you're seeing everyone with you while you're alive in the hospital. As far as all of us knew, you died in that apartment, we didn't go with you to the hospital because you were dead." He eases his frown, lifting his hands to rub my shoulders. "But I guess if it would make you feel better... Fine... Fine, we'll go."
