Flowergirl

✿✽❀~ epilogue ~❀✽✿

                          J  u  l  i  e  t   J  a  m  e  s     //

                                               //     N  a  a  t  a    Y  a  l  a  m  a  y

You can love two people at once, can't you?

Obviously if it was an option, I would have wanted to be with Ben. Miles started off as a side character and I wished he had stayed that way.

When it came down to it though, Miles was easier to love than Ben. Especially near the end. Ben had been through too much with me; I knew it would hurt him too much if I carked it. I left him because I needed to distance myself from him soon enough that he would have time to heal—so that he would be strong enough to handle losing me for real.

Miles on the other hand, yes he was innocent and loving and he would hurt were I to pass, but he would eventually move on. He was only eighteen. He would grow and learn and expand, and soon, the few beautiful months that we shared together would harden like a cold marble, and he would be able to hold them close without falling apart.

I gave him something he needed: an introduction into affection and love, and he, in turn, gave me something I needed: a final resting place.

I really did love him—granted, not in the same way I loved Ben, but I loved him, nonetheless. I wouldn't say it was a worse or lesser love, but it was definitely different. Newer. With Miles, I was free to rediscover parts of myself that I thought were long lost, and that's not something I take lightly.

Getting to know Miles was like discovering the world as though I were a child again. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was so much more than what most people saw. It made me look at other people differently too.

I remember staring at Miles on our last day together. Just watching him and really allowing the time for him to sink in. I remember thinking that he was so handsome—and humble too, because he obviously didn't realise it. I didn't say anything to him about the humbleness because I've learnt that telling people they're humble only makes them self-conscious about it. I told him about the handsomeness though.

I ran a light finger down his jaw, kissed it, and told him that his aura was pure. That I could feel it around the both of us and had never before felt anything of the like.

I had felt his aura that night up on the hill too—the way he carried himself, the way he looked at me...it was different. More nervous, but at the same time, more honest—vulnerable. He was vulnerable. And it moved me. It made me want him even more than I already did.

I'll never forget what we shared that night. Miles may not have been well versed in this kind of stuff, but that didn't mean he was behind the curve in the slightest. The sex we had that night was honestly the best sex I'd ever had in my life—I'd never tell Ben that, but it was true.

Also, Ben and I have had some great sex, so that's saying a lot.

I think it was something about Miles being a virgin—about him having nineteen years of pent-up sexual energy that he funnelled so completely into me that night. Something about the way he had been shy yet curious at the same time—so expressive; always asking questions before he did things, always making sure I was satisfied. That he was doing everything just the way I liked it. And oh, his cute little moans! I can't even think about them without getting a little flushed.

I'd never had outdoor sex before that night, so in a way, Miles was my first too. And when he flipped me over... God, it was just something about being able to look at both his face and the full moon as I reached my peak. The highest peak I'd ever reached. And it was pure bliss.