Nafs

Chapter 26

Ameerah's point of view:

I believed that in every person's life came a time when he or she had to give the greatest sacrifice of his life and this sacrifice determined whether he or she is capable of entering Jannah. I don't know how this thought had taken its place in my mind, maybe it was the various stories that I was reading lately, some of which were about people that had gained Allah's pleasure with a single good deed in their life after tons of sins in their account.

Of course, every good deed was counted and every sin was bound to be punished, except those that were forgiven, but there was a special place for sacrifices. Recently, I was led to believe that Allah puts you in a condition where you have to choose and make the most difficult decision of your life, the biggest of all sacrifices. Allah judges your Iman from there and makes the path to Jannah very easy for you. This moment in the person's life is the one where he or she has to decide, "Allah or Duniya?" And this moment is the same when Allah, The Most Merciful, The Master of The Worlds, decides "Jannah or no Jannah?"

This moment for that woman during the time of firon, was the one when she accepted to be thrown in boiling water along with her two young daughters but refused to bow down to Firon.

This moment for Julaybib was the one when he decided to leave his newly wed wife of one night, and went to Jihad and got martyred, even after the Prophet SAW asked him to spend his time with his wife.

Such moments come in the life of everyone. For singers, it can be the decision of never singing again for the pleasure of Allah. For actors and models, it can be to leave modeling and acting. For an alcoholic person, it can be the moment that he decides to stop drinking. For a businessman, it can be the moment when he has to decide millions of Haram dollars or less but Halal. The more difficult the decision is, the closer you are to Allah. Once you pass this trial, things become easy from there. Allah is closer to you than ever, and life becomes more blissful.

My sacrifice was nothing when compared to other Mu'min who had given so much to Islam. But it felt like this was that moment for me. After making that decision, while there was a part of me that found Allah closer than ever, smiling down at me when I bowed down to Him, there was a part of me that missed him immensely. I cried to Allah to take his love away from my heart. I begged him, because the pain was too much to bear.

He had not even sent me a single text since the two weeks when I last saw him. This was better. If he had texted me, called me, I might not have been able to control myself. I was desperate to hear his voice one last time, to look at him for one last time, but there was a part of me that was stronger, that kept me going.

Aabira entered my room one night three weeks after the break up, and saw me crying. I had already told her all that had happened and she had said nothing to me. She just consoled me and said that I had made a brave decision. She said that she was proud of me and that Allah will do what is right. "This is the best for you because Allah has planned this," she said.

She looked at me with worry evident in her expressions.

"Aabira I am fine. I just finished prayer and I got a little carried away. I promise, I am alright."

"Are you sure?" she asked, cupping my face.

"Yes, I am."

"You are so brave, MashaAllah," she said and left.

It was my last exam almost a month later after the break up and I came home in the evening after having lunch with my friends. I parked my car in the garage, and entered the lawn. There, I saw him again.

My steps faltered as I stared at him wide eyed, my heart beat loud in my ears. Standing there in the setting sun, looking at the person that I had loved with all my heart, I began to cry. I cried like a baby wiping my tears like a maniac. He stood where he was, didn't move an inch. His eyes were soft and concerned, but his expressions unreadable.

When I was done with the crying, he slowly approached me taking short, careful steps. That was when I completely lost it and slapped him right across his face.

"How dare you? What the hell are you doing here? We are done, didn't you get it Zarak? We are no more together?" I yelled at him while he stared at me with unchanged expressions.

"I am here to get you back."

"What?" I stared back at him.

"Zarak please, just go. Don't make this more difficult for me than it already is."

"Ameerah, just stop yelling. My parents are inside. What will the think of their future daughter-in-law," he smiled.

"What? Why? Why are your parents here? I told you I can't be with you Zarak."

"Ameerah," he said softly, and moved closer. "I choose you."

"What? Zarak please, I don't.."

"Ameerah, I choose you. You are the love of my life and I am not going to give up on that. You have no idea how difficult this past month was for me. Every single second, I thought of you. I missed you like a maniac. It felt like I needed psychiatric help. I was lost and so depressed; it felt like it was beyond my control to control myself. Even time didn't heal the pain. I didn't even go to half of the interviews; I just couldn't. I got accepted at three different places and all of them were amazing offers. I went to work for three weeks, and it was torture without you in my life. Even the biggest dream of my life gave me no happiness when you were not with me. So I just quit. The last one week, I have started going to dad's office, and you have no idea how desperate I was to just come and tell you that I have left the music company. I was so ecstatic about coming to meet you, you have no idea. This past week was the slowest week of my life. But I just wanted to be a little settled in the office before I came to meet your parents. One week was the least I could do."

I was so astonished to hear what he was saying, but the happiness and relief that these words gave me is beyond what words can describe.

"Are you sure, Zarak?"

"I have never been this sure of something, Ameerah. I love you so much."

"I love you too," I replied, laughing and crying at the same time.

"Ameerah, we have been waiting for you since we heard your car in the garage. I think you should come inside now," Aabira popped her head out of the door and yelled.

I looked down embarrassed and wiped my face clean with a tissue hurriedly.

"Let's go inside," he said.

"Alhamdulillah," I whispered.