Sleep Tight Tonight.

Goodbye.

There is so much that I feel like I need to tell you, so much you need to know...

Miley takes a deep breath and slowly lets it seep from between her parted lips. She looks as tired as I feel and equally confused.

I don't feel like I have enough time - like there would ever be enough time in the world to explain everything to you, sweetie. I know that doesn't make sense, but hear me out. Every day I feel like time passes achingly slow and I find myself wishing it away quicker, but then suddenly a week will have passed pointlessly and I'll have felt and done nothing.

I pull my shirt over my head and slip out of my school clothes, pulling on some old sweats to relax into. My muscles feel stiff and angry, my mind a jumble of memories and pain. I pick up the remote and turn Miley's voice down slightly, so my parents don't hear, and then make my way to sit on my bed.

There are always going to be questions you have that I'm never going to be able to answer. There will be questions you have that I don't even know the answers too. So, for now, you're just going to have to deal with it and so am I.

Her frail fingers run through those brown curls of hers, as she sighs again - almost in defeat. For a while she sits in silence, staring at the camera. I can tell she is thinking about what she should say next, how she should word something that if playing on her mind.

Sometimes I think I hate you.

Ouch.

You know, most days all I can think about is how you ran away from me when I told you my secret. I close my eyes to sleep at night and I see your face and you stare at me blankly. Trust - I trusted you when I've never trusted anyone before, Luke, and you threw it away. You threw it back in my face!

My hands are in my hair, pulling at the roots. For some reason, the slight twinges of pain help me focus. For now, the pain keeps me sane.

Out of everyone in the entire world, I chose to trust you. Before that day, I'd have never thought you could leave me or judge me or make fun of me. I never understood why you acted so kindly towards me, but I accepted it... I depended on it.

I wonder if my parents can hear the harsh sound of my heart against my ribs, because at the moment I feel as if the whole word is wishing it would shut up. Each thump feels like a knife, each word causes me to flinch.

I don't hate you though, not really. Maybe I would, if I was normal, but we both know I'm not. It's hard to feel hatred when you can't seem to feel anything at all apart from tired. I'm so tired, Luke. You don't understand just how completely tired I am...

For the millionth time my eyes trace over the bags beneath her lashes, the worried crease in her forehead. Miley sits, slumped, like she has the whole weight of the world sitting on her shoulders - I begin to realize that she really does.

That's why I'm going to do this, you know - kill myself. I've been thinking about it for so long... It's been killing me, Lukey, I really think it has. Or maybe I was just killing myself - maybe the mean words from my classmates caused it, or the neglect from my Mother, or the secret I've tried to push away for so long...

All I know is that I haven't been alive for a while now, not really. I wake up most mornings and I lie in bed, wondering why I should even bother getting up. Every single day, the first thought I have is that I won't be able to make it through the day - because how can anyone survive when they feel so utterly and completely useless? How can anyone carry on breathing when they can't even see a reason too? How can anyone pretend for so long?

How can I carry on living, Luke?

Miley's wide eyes are staring at the camera, her body leaning towards it so her face takes up almost the complete screen. Her messy hair and wild eyes make her look crazy, but the purple smudges beneath her lashes and the sickly pale tone of her skin tells me she doesn't even have the energy to be crazy anymore.

Please. Please, please, please.

Begging. She's begging me and it's too late. I can't save her - I didn't save her.

You don't know how hard I'm trying... How hard I've been fighting this...this urge. So long - it's been so long since I first thought about it and ever since I've been trying to push it away along with all the other secrets and taunting words and hurt. I push everything away - I always do. And now...

Well now it's all caught up with me.

Tears are shining in her eyes - the eyes that are still staring through my screen right into mine. How couldn't I see it? How couldn't I stop it?

Why? Why did I run away from her?

I clench my eyes shut as I remember the last moment I spend with Miley under the tree. Her crying, he wrapping my arm around her, he falling apart... The kiss.

That's when her words began to slice through the jumbled thought in my head. I watched her push me away, her blue eyes confused and upset. I stared intently at her lips - the lips I'd just kissed - as they parted and released the five words that broke my heart into a million pieces.

I think I'm a lesbian.

No, I don't think I was ever completely in love with Miley. I'd never sat down and planned our future together, never thought about making her my wife and having her kids. That didn't make those words hurt any less though... It still felt as though she'd reached into my chest and clawed away at my heart. Rejection. Raw, horrible rejection had pierced my soul.

I'd been falling for her, stupidly so. How could I expect someone so small and broken to be able to catch me?

And your rejection... That was the last straw, I swear. You'd kept me alive for so long, Luke, and you didn't even fully realize. So, I'll at least thank you for that - thank you for breathing light into my pointless, endless days. Thank you for giving me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, even if it only lasted for a short while. Thank you for holding my hand, for wiping away my tears, for listening to me sob day after day and never complaining.

And thank you for kissing me - for proving to me that I am what I am. I'd had suspicions before, but the very thought of me liking girls instead of boys scared me so much... Still does. I can't take any more bullying for being different... I can't take hating myself anymore than I already do, but at least I know now. At least I'm honest to myself about how hideous I am - how weird and unnatural I've always been. Why couldn't I just be normal?

In a way, I guess I should thank you for not telling everyone about it, even though you left me behind anyway...

Though her words are sincere, Miley doesn't look grateful as she glares into the camera lens, now sitting back with dry eyes. She's long gone, I think to myself, looking at the distance in her eyes. Long gone.

Gone.

You were good to me Luke, right until the very end. Right until I needed you most! So thanks a lot for leaving me alone; thanks so much for embarrassing me more than I ever thought you would; thank you for building up my hopes and crushing them harder than my heart.

I can't breathe. Miley's sarcastic tone is cutting through my ears and pulling on my chest. My throat is too dry, my eyes to red and swollen from the tears. I don't think I can listen to this anymore...

Thank you, for everything, Lukey.

Goodbye. She's saying goodbye.

Oh, and Luke? Sleep tight tonight.

_____

The End!

I haven't updated in so long, so if you're reading this thank you so much for still checking out what I've written!:) I'll be seriously editing this story at some point!

The issues raised in this story are very close to my heart - so I hope that in some way this has been relatable to someone else, too.

Thank you.