Cold Ashes

Chapter 23 - Enslavement

I had to write something about it. I can't go on living like nothing ever happened, like he's just going to walk through my door, tell me that he somehow survived. That's not possible. I know it's not possible.

So why do I keep thinking that he's still okay? Out there somewhere?

Because I can't stand the thought that he took a bullet just because they were going to take me away again. He did that for me. And I hate that. I can't sleep without writing down how much I think about him, it's insane. We barely know each other. Knew. He's an asshole who was more interested in everything else apart from Heather, the kids and even me. He was BIT for God's sake! He was bit and he still came into my home, knowing that at any second he might've turned and killed everyone I ever cared about!

Why do I care what happened to him? Why, when he's caused me so much pain?

I think that I'm going crazy.

Boss keeps insisting that I call him father. Ryan's death didn't change much, and after he made me go through with it, after everyone started to cheer my name and Boss'. They didn't mean it. The things that I did for them before - none of it meant anything t them.

I think I can see what Ryan meant. I thought that he wasn't controlling me. That I was here of my own free will and knew that this would happen, I had a plan to get to him so that I could... I don't know, talk to him? Reason with a pshycopath? I have the chance to change the world and the future, who else has that chance? I'm the only one who can do something about him, but I'm not strong enough to do this. I've made a mistake.

I should've taken Ryan up on his offer. Then maybe he'd still be okay.

What am I saying? Of course he wouldn't be okay. Even if he was, he wouldn't want to know me. I'm the enemy's daughter. The devil's spawn. I lied to him as much as he lied to me, maybe even worse. He... He would be put under more drugs, more tests and I wouldn't be able to do shit about it! I'd be completely helpless, the completely helpless damsel stuck behind inches of bulletproof fucking glass! And he'd be stuck there. Being tested on until he couldn't any longer and I'd have to stay and watch as they would tear him to pieces.

No. It's better of he's dead.

I don't know where Heather is. I think she's alive, they haven't looked for her. It'd be a waste of time to do so, she's good at hiding. The kids'll learn, too. Maybe Kayleigh will try to take on my job and go out in the wilderness like she kept saying to me. I hope she doesn't. She kept telling me that she was strong enough to do it, but I can't be sure. But then again, they haven't got me or Ryan. All they have is the announcement that I'm Boss' daughter and our disappearance off the face of the Earth.

Will Heather try to explain to them what I am? I'm not even sure myself what I am. A revolutionary? A hero? A leader? Or a slave. Boss' slave.

I hate him. There's no words that I know that can possibly say how much I wish that he'd just... die. But he's also my dad. He's never acted like it towards me at all in my life but I still feel as if I'm the last person in the world that can at least try to give him his humanity. I need to reach to him. The only family he's got left. Not much, but maybe just enough for him to stop this madness and begin to actually care.

I wish that I could see Ryan. I wish that for one last time I could talk to him. Try to possibly say sorry for everything I did to hurt him, but would he listen? Would he forgive me? I can barely forgive myself. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Every time I do - each day when I try so hard to see something other than a monster - I see him there as well. That look on his face as he felt the gunshot in his stomach. How he went pale and sweaty in a matter of seconds. How he begged me with only a look as he tumbled backward.