Obviously

maple wood exterior

have i ever mentioned how he smelled?

when i first started with taehyung, i knew it was doomed. i started writing a last will.

taehyung always smelled like maple syrup, vanilla coffee and cherry or grape lollipop. it sounds like a weird combination, but i assure you the mix was my heaven. i want my casket made of maple.

the date we had coming up was finally fleshed out. taehyung planned a dinner, made by jin because he has told me on multiple occasions that he can't cook. he was going to pick me up at my house and drive us to our hill top destination, where we became official.

i'll get into what he did and what i did another time, but i want to sum up how our relationship was. then maybe you'll understand things the way i do.

we started out like every other couple. we held hands, we kissed, we cuddled, we had dates. eventually, things started going downhill.

within the first month the changes happened.

he became slightly more distant, eased up on pet names.

if i said 'i love you, babe', instead of the usual 'i love you too, sweetie' answer, I just got a simple 'love you too.'

i still laugh at the fact that i didn't see what was going on when i was alive. it seems so clear now. so goddamn clear.

he stayed on his phone a lot. watched t.v. and zoned in, tuning me out. slept facing away from me some nights. little things.

then it got worse.

he'd stay out late, come home drunk. did i mention, upon his request, i move into his apartment with him? no? well, i did. i knew i shouldn't have, but i did. fight me.

anyway, he'd stay out late, come home drunk. not at first, but after maybe 3 months the drinking started. he slept on the couch often. he was gone early in the morning claiming work and school had changed hours some, but his university didn't offer classes that early.

i never noticed. god! i was so stupid! if i ever get to live again as a new soul, i know what i'm not doing. dating someone like taehyung.

it's not that he is, or... was, a bad person. i just didn't fit well with him, unlike someone else.

I started meeting new friends to cope with my lack of taehyung.

i met some guys named namjoon and hoseok. they helped me take my mind off him. whenever they asked about him, they would speculate reasons as to why he was that way. i declined them all.

taehyung isn't... wasn't like that.

i started a list.

by rope.
by metal.
by water.
by fire.
by flying.
by swallowing.

hanging.
gun.
drowning.
burn myself alive.
off a tall building.
all mine and tae's prescriptions.

this was only 5 months in.

if i couldn't live with tae, i didn't want to live without him.

i started smoking cigarettes at 6 months in.

taehyung was, or is, an addictive person. his laugh is deep, but light. his smile is brighter than the sun. his personality is... was fun and bubbly. he was someone you just wanted to be around.

i think that was our problem.

i'm the exact opposite.

my laugh must get annoying. my smile is slightly crooked and i have large bunny teeth. hoseok says--said (?) that it was cute, i don't think so. my personality is, was, boring. flat. i had nothing special. i was kind of a downer. depressed. someone you would like to avoid because i was so emotionally draining.

i was sure, by 7 months, that taehyung was replacing me. hoseok also became a mild version of tae for me.

he and i hugged, held hands, sometimes cuddled if one of us was sad. this went on for another month.

i told hoseok about my list.

he kissed me.

i kissed back.

i felt nothing, much like my kisses with tae felt then. i was sad. hoseok is not tae, will never be tae. i hated myself for leading that poor boy into a world of false hope.

by 9 months, i found out that jimin was tae's jungkook replacement.

i wasn't even mad. i wasn't surprised.

we got into an arguement though, over my time with hoseok.

i wanted to fight back, but his comforting smell of maple, vanilla coffee and lollipop lured me back into bed with him.

and him into me.

I have completely read every word that the book titled taehyung has on his pages. i finished that book long before now.

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Hey! The last chapter comes out tomorrow! Let me know what you think! Comment and/or vote. Don't be a silent reader!

Love: BoogieWoogieBaby~ ♡